Hi, and welcome to Canada! We’re sooorry about what happened in your general election, but don’t say we didn’t warn you — what, with your love of s***-kickers and deking social responsibility. We gave the world Justin Bieber, sure, but you’ve responded in turn with your new president — I wouldn’t say that we’re even. Just admit that you made a massive mistake in leaving the monarchy, and we’ll leave it at that.
But now you’ve made it up north to Lumberjack Country, and we’re happy to have you hosers up here. While we consistently rank among the highest in terms of government transparency, civil liberties, quality of life, education and economic freedom (surprise, America!), we know it's the sport you crave.
We’re particularly fond of hockey and curling, and we're sure you'll grow to love the CFL (let's hear it for the Saskatchewan Roughriders!), but we’ve got our fair share of footie action as well. Just don’t ask about the men’s national team. They’re just rebuilding, that’s all. Don't be upset.
In fact, there’s never been a better time to swear your allegiance to a Canadian club. The 2016 MLS Eastern Conference Final features the Montreal Impact versus Toronto FC, and it’s the first time in history that we’ve, well, ever succeeded like this.
MLS Eastern Conference finals will feature Toronto & Montréal!
22-Nov - Impact Montréal FC v Toronto
30-Nov - Toronto FC v Montréal pic.twitter.com/fWzIWWEJRp— Canada Soccer (@CanadaSoccerEN) November 7, 2016
For 100 years we couldn’t be arsed with the world’s game, but the 2015 Women’s World Cup showed us that if we can clone Kadeisha Buchanan 10 times, we could be an international power.
Kadeisha Buchanan, #ImWithHer. Photo: @CanadaSoccer | Twitter
Still not impressed? Christine Sinclair. Christine Sinclair. Christine Sinclair. She's better than Mia Hamm, trust us. We'll make decisions like that for you, since you all clearly can't be trusted in the decision making process.
Canada is also home to the Vancouver Whitecaps, the NASL’s FC Edmonton and USL’s Ottawa Fury. We’ve even got our own little Canadian Championship between the five clubs, Toronto having won the prestigious award five times.
So settle into your new postal code, grab yourself a two-four of Molson and never venture south of the border again.
