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Entertainment

There's a man with a chainsaw in the stadium and we're not in Portland

Things got a little out of hand during a recent CAF Champions League quarterfinal between Espérance and JS Kabylie in Tunisia. The match experienced a 40-minute delay to the second half after fans clashed with security forces around the stadium, and firefighters were required to put out several small fires in the stands.

Also, a storage room was looted and some of the equipment was later seen being used in the riots, including a chainsaw. According to Reuters, the chainsaw-wielding man has since been arrested.  

I immediately had one idea after seeing this video: a screenplay.  

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 10: Dallas is Burning

The Leatherface family of cannibals has grown weary of the day-to-day in rural Harlow, Texas, so they decide to take a trip to Toyota Stadium to see FC Dallas play.

Meanwhile, a group of twenty-somethings — all members of an FC Dallas supporters group — pinky promise to each other to have best night of their lives at tonight's match. Or so they think...

While the attractive people are tailgating, this busted old minivan covered in dust and a smattering of what looks like blood pulls up close to them. Leatherface's parents get out and say a bunch of freaky stuff alluding to the tastiness of human flesh. There are questions over what exactly they're barbecuing. 

Leatherface, mysteriously veiled in the backseat, identifies his targets right then and there: "Yup, gonna chainsaw them first chance I get; just can't help myself."

Inside the stadium it's all noise, craziness and motion — Leatherface is stalking them around. He murders one and the body ends up in the tifo but people think it's part of the artwork. There's great applause and a viral ESPN FC tweet that says "This FC Dallas tifo is *chef's kiss*"

But then there's a weather delay as it gets all dark and stormy. Fans have to retreat to the concourse and our attractive group decides to take shelter in the National Soccer Hall of Fame section of the stadium.

People are getting impaled by the USWNT's World Cup trophies, battered with Mia Hamm's cleats and suffering death by chainsaw while engaged with the virtual reality experience of trying to keep a clean sheet like Tim Howard.

I could see this movie doing huge numbers for Paramount+.

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