Real Madrid stayed at the top for 1,012 days. That’s probably at least 1,005 days more than any of us have managed (I’m not forgetting that week you found $20 in a rarely-worn coat pocket and someone brought bagels into the office). But now the great Real Madrid Crisis of 2019 is upon us, and HEADS WILL ROLL!
That’s kind of a disturbing image, Gareth Bale’s cranium being lifted by its bleached half ponytail by a crazed and bloodied Spanish newspaper reporter, but that’s exactly the scene we’ve arrived at. So how do we avoid more bloodshed and return Real to the summit of European football year after year after year until the waters rise and swallow the Fly Emirates advertising hoardings beneath a wave of sweltering apocalyptic sea?
As far as I can tell, there are five (a nice, convenient, wholesome number) ways to save this club from the horror of not winning everything all the time.
The Great Real Madrid Crisis 2019: 5 Ways To Totally Fix It
#1. Allez PSG!
Cheer for PSG. This is a pretty simple one.
Neymar’s contract runs through the 2021-22 season and pays him around $40 million per year. Kylian Mbappe’s contract also runs through the 2021-22 season and pays him around $20 million per year. You can see why both stars are quite content in Paris.
Although the Real Madrid rumors have been circling forever, PSG president Nasser Al-Khelaifi has remained adamant that neither will be sold this summer. If a transfer does go down, it’ll be a colossally extravagant and complex business, one that only the world’s richest club could pull off (that being Real).
Ultimately, the player(s) in question will need to demand it. Perhaps the biggest grease in making this happen would be the completion of PSG’s highest sporting ambition — the capturing of the UEFA Champions League.
Once that box is ticked, you’d expect the hyper competitive titans commonly referred to as Neymar and Mbappe to look toward the next horizon: In this case, becoming the face of the world’s most successful club and the main man(s) at the Santiago Bernabéu.
#2. Hire Mauricio Pochettino
Pochettino is contracted through 2023, but the 47-year-old Argentine will be fully aware of the fact that if Real comes calling, there’s no guarantee that they’ll ever sound him out again. Real must begin a new project with only Vinicius Junior and Sergio Reguilon demonstrating their longterm worth this season, and Pochettino’s work at Tottenham shows why he’s the ideal candidate.
Ultimately, it’ll come down to how Pochettino views his future at Spurs: Has he taken the project as far as he possibly can? Does this season — in which Tottenham could still eclipse its all-time PL points record while appearing among the last eight in Europe despite zero spend in the transfer market — represent the start of something greater or is it the extremity to which this squad can be pushed?
The Spurs boss need only look at Arsene Wenger's recent admission that he stayed at Arsenal too long for a warning.
Pochettino will have his own demands if he’s to abandon the Lilywhites for los Blancos (we’re talking about Harry Kane), but it wouldn’t be a bad idea to absorb as much of Spurs as possible — although dealing with Daniel Levy is another proposition entirely.
Odds are that José Mourinho will come in for one season of batting down the hatches, one season of moderate success and then one season of hellfire implosion, but what’s the point of it all? I’d only opt for the Mourinho approach if Rafa Benitez is named co-manager. They’d be like fire and ice together.
#3. So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish
Luka Modric, Marcelo, Lucas Vazquez and Nacho have all reached the end of their time at Real. They’ll be gone this summer. More pertinent questions surround the futures of Gareth Bale, Isco and Marco Asensio. So much more was expected of the trio following Cristiano Ronaldo’s departure, but in 56 combined LaLiga matches, they’ve scored nine goals and totaled six assists. That’s pathetic.
But all are on massive contracts at the Bernabéu, and no professional footballer looks at an exit from Real Madrid as a positive — you’re only ever taking a step down. Can a new manager inspire them to greater heights? Or does Real accept low-ball offers, tell the players they have to move or train with the Castilla team and then pray for the best?
And at the peak of it all is president Florentino Perez. Madridistas want him gone, and whether he stays or goes really determines how the dominoes fall. Now wouldn’t be a bad time to announce a pre-contractual agreement with Eden Hazard.
#4. Pull A Luís Figo 2.0 And Sign Ousmane Dembélé
If Real really want to get this party started, they’ll meet Dembélé’s release clause of $485 million to piss off Catalonia and to put Vinicius on the left and the Frenchman on the right with either Kane or Mbappe playing through the middle.
Is Dembélé worth $485 million? Of course not, but it’s about sending a message to the rest of the world: “We’re Real Madrid, and we’re not going to let Dušan Tadić fuck with us anymore.”
#5. Recall Martin Ødegaard
He’s averaging a lot of key passes per game in the Eredivisie and he’s a silky operator on the ball. More importantly, this list needed five things, and we like talking about Martin Ødegaard. Besides, if you’re going to get rid of Isco, at least bring back Ødegaard for our viewing pleasure.
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