China

Sven-Goran Eriksson has been sacked as manager of Chinese second division club Shenzhen and has been replaced with Wang Baoshan. We know this because Shenzhen posted a poem on their website welcoming Wang as their new coach.

We are not making this up:

Eleven years ago, you led Shenzhen football and never let us down.

Nine years ago, you took over responsibilities and saved Shenzhen football.

Memories of fighting together have never gone away, and now we recall the legend.

Lionel Messi has recently unveiled his plans to personally and painstakingly design, build and operate his own theme park in Nanjing, China. It will be called the Messi Experience Park (MEP), which is infinitely lamer than Messi World, Magic Messi Kingdom or Messi's Wonderous Adventureland. With over 20 attractions on a sprawling 42,000 square meter space, the biggest question remains whether or not Mateo Messi will be old enough or tall enough to have any fun.

Former Ivory Coast and Newcastle United midfielder Cheick Tiote has passed away following a suspected heart attack while training with current club Beijing Enterprises. Tiote was only 30 years of age.

Sadly, it has been confirmed that Cheick Tiote has died in China at the age of 30. RIP.

With European league seasons winding down, summer transfer speculation has begun in earnest with what you'd expect: 

After over two decades of flinging himself at the ball in the blue of Chelsea and winning a lot of trophies, John Terry has announced his decision to leave the club at the end of the season. Terry is synonymous with Chelsea’s rise to English and continental dominance as well providing that bit of assholery that every successful club needs. 

JT, as he’s called by those in the know, isn’t done defending yet, though. His high and tight haircut and high socks could be making their way to resolutely defending a club near you.

Rumors have been spreading that Brazilian midfielder Paulinho will move to Bayern Munich this summer. He might be out of China anyway, even if that doesn't happen.

Paulinho might actually be deported because of a photo he appeared in with a Japanese porn star (it's safe for work, relax).

Hulk missed out on Shanghai SIPG’s trip to Japan for an AFC Champions League match against Urawa Red Diamonds, so this article isn’t about him scoring an absolute banger after running through 10 defenders, and that's a damn shame.

Every now and then, with pretty routine frequency, we come across the latest exploits of Brazilian striker Hulk in Asia. Whether they’re in the Chinese Super League or the Asian Champions League, they’re always unreal goals, and I’m beginning to doubt their authenticity.