Europe

Chelsea’s victory over Arsenal on Saturday was marked by a strange phenomena that led to the end of midfield enforcer Francis Coquelin’s career. Coquelin was employed to stop suspicious characters from running straight through the Arsenal midfield, but he failed after suffering spontaneous human combustion while tracking Eden Hazard. 

He exploded into hellfire. There is no adequate explanation for this bit of poltergeist, in fact, referee Martin Atkinson adjudged it to be a foul, which is a pretty terrible way to treat someone who’s just suffered self-detonation.

For years now, the top dog of the Bundesliga has been FC Bayern Munich. Apart from winning the Bundesliga championship 26 times on a consistent basis ever since the 1968-69 season, Bayern has been able to establish themselves as a powerhouse of Germany football.

If ever there was a time to come up against Bayer Leverkusen, this was it. Hamburg, sitting 17th in the 18-team Bundesliga, were at home, and Leverkusen were without the injured Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez and still rocking from the news of midfielder Hakan Calhanoglu’s four-month suspension. 

Hamburg have the distinction of being the only German club to have played in the top tier of German football since their inception — a staggering 96 years straight. With half the season gone, Hamburg are staring relegation in the face.

Leading up to the Super Bowl, Manchester United striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic had a conversation with retired NFL player Osi Umenyiora, who asked the Swede what position he would play if he were in the NFL.

Here's Zlatan's answer: “The guy who makes the difference. I’d be the one who catches the ball. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fast but I would be like a bull and run through all of them.”

Gabriel Jesus had quite the full EPL debut for Manchester City Wednesday against West Ham, scoring and assisting in a 4-0 win.

Gabriel Jesus didn't want to get left out of Man City's goal party pic.twitter.com/dF0OMnSzoc

— NBC Sports Soccer (@NBCSportsSoccer) February 1, 2017

The holier-than-thou footballing mentality of the English came to the fore when Frank Lampard announced his retirement Thursday. Lampard, who was slated by all of England during the 2006 World Cup and booed at Wembley during their disastrous Euro 2008 qualifying campaign, is a living legend, but he didn’t die on Tuesday, he just won’t be playing for NYCFC anymore.

Here's a tip: if you're at a match and you want a player to give you their jersey, bring something to bribe them with, like pork.

Hey, it worked on Sergio Ramos.

Real-captain Sergio Ramos ruilt shirtje met stukjes varkenslendehttps://t.co/bfWxoSEv6rpic.twitter.com/vGqFJpnW5g

— AD.nl/sportwereld (@ADSportwereld) February 2, 2017

Real Madrid’s 3-0 victory over Real Sociedad has silenced many critics, especially after both Sevilla and Barcelona dropped points. Real now have a four-point lead with a game in hand at the top of La Liga. But such is the nature of the beast at the Santiago Bernabeu that Zinedine Zidane is still facing questions over a poor January that included a stretch of one win in five matches and elimination from the Copa del Rey. 

Peter Crouch became the 26th player to score 100 Premier League goals during Wednesday's 1-1 draw against Everton.

Of course, he did "The Robot" to celebrate.

Peter Crouch scores his 100th Premier League goal! pic.twitter.com/NU9ij10ATJ

— NBC Sports Soccer (@NBCSportsSoccer) February 1, 2017