Highlights

With a home match to come against Levante on Saturday followed by next Wednesday’s Champions League semifinal first leg against Liverpool, Barcelona manager Ernesto Valverde elected to begin today’s away match versus Alavés with Lionel Messi on the bench.

No matter.

Before Messi entered the match in the 61st minute, goals from Carles Aleñá and Luis Suárez had already put Barça on the verge of a second straight LaLiga title. If Atlético Madrid loses to Valencia tomorrow, the crown belongs to Barcelona. Regardless, there’s no way in hell Barça loses it now.

The opening seven seconds of today’s Premier League fixture between Europa League hopefuls Watford and relegation-threatened Southampton DID NOT DISAPPOINT. A lot of supporters inside Vicarage Road hadn’t even made it to their seats by the time Shane Long opened the scoring for the Saints. Clocked at just seven seconds, it’s the fastest goal in Premier League history. 

The previous mark was held by Tottenham’s Ledley King, who scored with a deflected effort against Bradford back in 2000 inside 9.7 seconds. 

It’s interesting to see how the media leans into stereotypes and known formulas of success — regardless of truth or sincerity in approach — to perpetually reinforce the confirmation bias of its readership.

For example, this past weekend Chelsea striker Gonzalo Higuain spoke about how criticism used to affect his personal life before he acquired a sense of perspective regarding his own career and the amount of importance that should be placed on chasing a ball around a large patch of grass.

This past Sunday night the Orlando Pride faced the Seattle Reign in Tacoma, Washington, where the Pride picked up its first point of the 2019 NWSL season after drawing 1-1 at Cheney Stadium.

Orlando took an early lead after being rewarded a free kick outside the box in the sixth minute. Australian defender Alanna Kennedy gave the Pride the upper hand when she casually hit a perfect bicycle kick inside the box. Although the Pride didn't ultimately get all three points, if there were points awarded for style they definitely would have won by a landslide. 

After two consecutive defeats turned the narrative surrounding PSG into the sort of existential crisis that could only be penned by compatriot Jean-Paul Sartre, Kylian Mbappé’s 55-minute hat trick — taking him to 30 goals on the year and just three behind Lionel Messi in the race for the European Golden Shoe — propelled the club to a sixth Ligue 1 title in seven seasons.  

In the wake of Manchester United’s Champions League exit, we were treated to a plethora of listicles analyzing who should be shown the door at Old Trafford. After today’s historic 4-0 defeat to Everton, it’s clear that a much easier question is simply who stays. 

The match was a masterclass in the various United shortcomings that’ve gripped the inter webs over the last year or two: How does the third-richest club in the world boast a center pairing of Chris Smalling and Phil Jones? Does Anthony Martial not give a shit to the point of constipation? Who is Fred?

Wherever he goes, hardware follows. Now you can add scudetto to the list of Cristiano Ronaldo trophies.

A rampaging run from Ronaldo forced an own goal by Fiorentina’s Germán Pezzella to lift Juventus to a 2-1 victory at Allianz Stadium on Saturday. The three points put the Old Lady 20 points ahead of second-place Napoli. With five matches left (six for Napoli), Juventus cannot be caught and thus claimed its remarkable eighth straight Serie A title.

The first goal between Liverpool and Porto at Estádio do Dragão on Wednesday was vital. If Porto scored it, game on; if Liverpool scored it, game over. What’ll be so frustrating for the Portuguese club is that through the match’s opening 25 minutes, the home side had 13 attempts. Porto absolutely bossed Liverpool right up until Sadio Mané had the ball in the back of the net in the 26th minute with the Reds' first shot of the evening.

Ajax has advanced to the semifinals of the Champions League for the first time since 1997 after tearing Juventus apart with a glorious second-half display of footballing excellence that ultimately yielded the game-winning goal from captain Matthijs de Ligt in the 67th minute.

The Amsterdam-based club scored two at Juventus Stadium — which is an exceptionally rare feat for an away side — but it could’ve been four or five but for the goalkeeping of Wojciech Szczesny and an Ajax desire to combine on six backheels and three disguised reverse passes within the box before every shot. 

Cristiano Ronaldo 4.0 is up and running at Juventus Stadium. His age is 34, which typically alludes to ever-present bodily soreness and general feelings of lethargy, but Ronaldo 4.0 includes updates on foxiness in the box, elastico nutmegs and improvements on crushing the dreams of everyone else in European competition.

Here’s "He That Is More Machine Than Man" coming alive during the Champions League anthem, as he’s done time after time en route to scoring 126 UCL goals, including 65 in the knockout stages.