Humor

Everton hosted Wolverhampton in what could be described as a mid-table six-pointer if anyone cared about positioning in mid table (no one does). Wolves cruised to a 3-1 win as Raúl Jiménez scored his ninth goal of the season. Meanwhile the best player for the Toffees was an evasive Everton cat. 

Rúben Neves converted a seventh-minute penalty, Jiménez headed home just before halftime and Leander Dendoncker finished the match with a follow-up volley in the 66th minute as Wolves moved comfortably into seventh place, five points ahead of Everton. 

It’s not unusual for ball boys to become a part of a soccer match, as we’ve highlighted plenty of times before. Who can forget when Eden Hazard kicked an unflinching Swansea lad?

For a couple years, Andrey Arshavin was one of the most exciting footballers in the world. Today, people are asking: Is Arshavin dead?

It’s true Arshavin dropped off the face of the British-centric soccer world when he left Arsenal to return to his native Russia in 2013. He only just retired in December 2018, after a few years with Zenit Saint Petersburg, Kuban Krasnodar and Kairat. That last club plays in the Kazakhstan Premier League, so you’d be excused for not knowing about it, but the Russian winger did score nine goals in 31 league appearances in 2018. 

Burnley did not have a great day at the office on Saturday. The club traveled to the Etihad to play Manchester City in the FA Cup and was routinely routed 5-0. But it was nothing compared to what happened to the poor Man City corner flag.

To no one’s surprise, the Citizens ran rampant, spreading five goals across the 90 minutes and five different goal scorers. The pick of the bunch was Kevin de Bruyne’s blistering shot from about 20 yards out.

Manchester City are in control.

Puebla defeated Veracruz 1-0 on Friday night for its first victory of the 2019 Liga MX Clausura campaign. The football wasn’t anything inspiring, as Lucas Cavallini headed in the lone goal in the 38th minute and Veracruz had a man sent off for a bad challenge early in the second half.

But holy shit did you see that possum?!

Look, the match itself wasn’t anything we’d normally write about. Here’s Cavallini’s goal, a simple header after a cross from the right wing.

It was around this time last year that we introduced Bruno Zuculini to you, our weary audience, as the maddest lad of them all. The Argentine spent the first half of the 2017-18 season at Hellas Verona, collecting three red cards and four yellows in just 15 starts. He was promptly sold to River Plate before he could build on his phenomenal record over the following months.

SportsCenter recently handed all the power of its Instagram to Major League Soccer's biggest star, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and the man is funnier than ever. The Galaxy forward opened with the number one rule for dealing with the media.

“Just be yourself, always, whatever happens be yourself,” Ibrahimovic said. “Answer honest and what you think. Maybe you’re not always right, maybe you’re not always wrong.”

Simo Valakari is no Pep Guardiola. He’s no Jurgen Klopp. He’s definitely no Jose Mourinho. 

But he is the most inspirational manager I’ve ever seen.

Simo Valakari isn’t exactly a household name. The manager of Tromsø IL in Norway’s Eliteserien since 2017, he’s trying to get the club back into the Europa League, where it competed in five of six years from 2009-14 or even the Champions League. 

On Monday, EA Sports posted a video featuring the best goals scored in FIFA 19 so far. As you’d expect, it’s a compilation of players like Neymar and Antoine Griezmann flicking the ball up, turning and swiveling, mutating their bodies into ungodly forms and weltering bicycle kicks from over 30 yards out. Very cool.