Humor

Lionel Messi is incomparable. Even the most ignorant of viewers — say a jury of 12 totally clueless individuals charged with determining the Man of the Match award — would undoubtedly be able to pinpoint his singularity of style and ability after watching 90 minutes. Still, the Argentine’s not without his copycats. 

After all, the sincerest form of flattery is to grow a red beard, work your hair into a short quiff and purchase a $400 Dolce & Gabbana shirt that looks like an Ed Hardy design.

Sometimes I wish that, through some glaring administrative error, I had been accidentally registered for the Ajax youth academy, even if it was just for one day. Then, in semi-good conscience, I could exploit that fact to have my own Wikipedia page, Transfermarkt profile and agent, allowing me to bounce around the world on one-year contracts — obviously being found out as total trash time after time — living my best life. 

For those who have watched the Oscar-winning Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, you know there are alternate dimensions out there with different Spider-Heroes. Until Sunday, the Spider-Man of our dimension had yet to reveal themself. 

We now know there is a Spider-Man in this dimension and he plays in the Polish Ekstraklasa. Frantisek Plach is a 29-year-old Slovakian goalkeeper who plays for Piast Gliwice in Poland’s top league. 

March 12 marks a full year since soccer in the U.S. — and around the world — shut down over the Covid-19 pandemic. Though we’re not out of the woods yet as we race to vaccinate as many people as possible before new variants threaten to add to the dreadful death toll, it’s a time for reflection on the strange, difficult year that was. 

For the second time in two days, I find myself writing about man’s struggle against nothingness. Today, however, you’ll be glad to know that Dorking Wanderers’ Jake Gallagher destroyed the concept of nonexistence in a manner not seen since Albert Einstein called the distinction between past, present and future nothing more than “a stubbornly persistent illusion.”

You know that feeling as a kid when you’re thoroughly enjoying something and then your little brother comes along and kills the mood? Perhaps you’re telling a great story at the dinner table and then the little rat has to make it about him.

Flamengo striker Rodrigo Muniz had a similar feeling during Saturday’s Campeonato Carioca game against Macaé. 

It’s rare that a Premier League game has gone by this season where the announcers, players, fans or even the referees themselves haven’t complained about an offside call. With VAR, offside calls are calculated with more precision than ever before, but lovers of the beautiful game still aren’t happy with the offside rule.

I’ve got a solution: get rid of the whole offside rule altogether.

Wait, wait, hear me out.