Lionel Messi

Messi f***s people up. He runs around a pitch for 90 minutes and performs acts of greatness with a ball at his feet until he makes entire stadiums chant his name, and what’s left in his wake is the stuff of YouTube legend. I don’t think there’s a more viral athlete in the world than Lionel Messi; he might be the first of all time. 

The man destroys people, and then the world makes fun of them. 

1. Marcelo. That is all.

Marcelo is one of the top two left-backs in the world. He and David Alaba are fighting it out for the crown right now, even though Alaba has been deployed everywhere this side of striker by Pep Guardiola for Bayern Munich. The thing is, Marcelo has a major handicap: he plays against Lionel Messi, who primarily attacks the left side of defenses.

2. That Boateng Goal.

Where to even begin. 

You expected this to be at #1. Either that or you don’t know much about soccer, because this really probably should have been at #1, but bear with us. 

3. Messi makes sure Pep Guardiola will never forget the name of…James Milner.

You might not have known this, but James Milner is a social media star. 

I've just peeled a banana that looked fine but when I peeled it it was bruised which is funny because it looked fine before I peeled it.

— Boring James Milner (@BoringMilner) June 16, 2015

4. G** D*** IT, NANI! YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Joining Vidic during that 2011 Champions League Final was Nani, who loves dancing on the ball as if he were playing Dance Dance Revolution. The problem back then was that he didn’t really have much of a chance to dance because, well, Barcelona always had the ball, and let’s just say his defense lacks the same enthusiasm. 

In the lead up to Barcelona’s third goal, Nani was Manchester United’s first line of defense. It didn’t go well.    

5. Robben doesn’t like being caught up to. 

Arjen Robben just might be the fastest player in football. He is used to never seeing defenders again once he gets a step ahead of them with the ball. So you can imagine his consternation when Lionel Messi suddenly catches up to him and takes the ball away. 

6. Roberto Carlos finds out that Ronaldinho wasn’t lying. 

After Ronaldinho received the Ballon d’Or in 2006 he famously said, “This award says I’m the best player in the world. I’m not even the best player at Barcelona.” He was talking about Lionel Messi.

7. Messi sold a dream and Yaya Toure bought it. 

Yaya Toure used to be good at defending. No really, he was. Back in his Barcelona days he was just about the most promising all-round midfielder in the world, meaning he could attack just as well as he could defend. 

At Manchester City, that balance has apparently skewed towards the offensive side of things.

8. Germany might have won. Hummels on the other hand…  

Germany beat Argentina in the 2014 World Cup Final, but watching this and knowing the current state of Mats Hummels and Lionel Messi, you wouldn’t know it. 

Hummels’ ability as a defender is as debated as the attractiveness of Peggy Olson from Mad Men.