USA

She’s here — the savior of American paleontology. A seven-year-old fossil hoarder of rare vision, technique and digging skills. Will the United States Women’s Paleontology National Team (USWPNT) win the 2032 Fossil-Finding World Cup? If Naomi Vaughan keeps up her recent form over the next 15 years, definitely.

Sorry, as a soccer website, it’s our responsibility to hype these sorts of things to an ungodly degree. 

For the last two months, Zlatan Ibrahimovic has reportedly been on the verge of joining Major League Soccer. For the last two months, he has not. However, with less than four months remaining on his Manchester United contract and with Jose Mourinho more than obliging with regards to letting the Swede go, it’s only a matter of time until we see Ibrahimovic in MLS (the Los Angeles Galaxy being the ultimate destination).

Age 21, standing at 6-4 and hailing from Muskego, Wisconsin, you probably think you know the USMNT’s latest salvation at the forward position, Andrija Novakovich. You’ve probably sketched a mental outline of a big, blundering center forward with an affinity for Milwaukee’s Best, but we mustn’t forget that Harry Kane was similarly written off for being a chubby, traveling salesman-looking version of Butt-head. 

Imagine this: it’s July 15, 2018. It’s the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow. 81,000 spectators are collectively holding their breath while more than one billion are tuned in across the planet. After 120 minutes of action in the 2018 FIFA World Cup Final, we’re all square between Argentina and Germany. It's penalties.

Argentina now has a chance to lift the trophy with their fifth and final spot kick. It’s Lionel Messi — the perennial international runner-up — approaching the spot with German No. 1 Manuel Neuer staring him down. 

In an absurd twist of events with zero foundation in practicality, Floyd Mayweather was recently asked by British tabloid the Sunday Daily Star whether he’d ever consider investing in an English football club, and, given the fact that Mike Ashley publicly put Newcastle United up for sale last year, what about the Tyneside-based team in particular?

Bastian Schweinsteiger and Ana Ivanovic have welcomed their first child, reportedly a boy alleged to be named Luka, into the world in Chicago this weekend.

Welcome to the world our little boy! We are so happy. @AnaIvanovic pic.twitter.com/j5Kp6u0CiJ

— Basti Schweinsteiger (@BSchweinsteiger) March 19, 2018

D.C. United could go from playing in front of the largest MLS attendance to playing in front of the smallest MLS attendance in league history in the span of a week.

The Black and Red lost 3-1 to Atlanta United on Sunday at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The match set a new MLS attendance record with 72,035 fans. 

,

Chivas defeated the Seattle Sounders 3-0 at the Estadio Akron Wednesday night in the second leg of their CONCACAF Champions League quarterfinal, comfortably overturning a 1-0 first leg deficit by the 55th minute. Oswaldo Alanis, Eduardo Lopez and Jose Godinez scored the goals to complete the semifinal bracket: it’s Chivas vs. the New York Red Bulls on one side and Club America vs. Toronto FC on the other.

Landon Donovan has gotten off the mark for his new club, Leon. In a sense, that is. We'll give it to him.

Donovan came on as a substitute in Leon's Copa MX clash against Atletico Zacatepec, and managed to stick around until the penalty shootout.

Leon ended up losing the shootout 7-6, but one of the penalty takers was talented American youngster Landon Donovan.

WHACK.

After a thrilling 3-2 Tigres win in Monterrey pulled the Liga MX club level with Toronto FC on aggregate in the Concacaf Champions League quarterfinals, the defending MLS Cup champions advanced to the semifinals over the Liga MX Apertura Champions on away goals.

Toronto FC needed a lucky Tigres own goal, some Sebastian Giovinco magic (he scored a free kick, as per usual) and a little more luck to withstand a late Tigres rally in order to advance, but advance they did.