WTF

Notts County’s Matt Tootle Just Wants To Know Why They Never Play Nightcrawlers Anymore

Notts County scores. Darkness falls and magic stirs as Matt Tootle becomes a creature of the night — a nightcrawler! But it looks like it’s time for an intervention with the rest of his teammates, because they just don’t look interested in joining Tootle for a quick game.

Nightcrawlers is just what it sounds like, it’s a game where you crawl around like worms in the night, mining minerals under the bed while using your imagination. Tootle clearly knows what’s up. 

Marko Arnautović Wins Red Card Award For Outstanding Sportsmanship

Last week, Jonjo Shelvey revealed himself to be the thinking man of the Premier League when he stomped on Dele Alli's ankle in plain sight of the referee, presumably after running the idea by his good friend Potato Brain. It was a true display of intellect, the likes of which we thought we would never see again.

Oh happy day, we were wrong.

Source Confirms Christian Pulisic Will Reflect On Year At The End Of The Year

For those of you wondering whether or not Christian Pulisic is rational and capable of completing basic mental exercises, an unnamed ESPN FC source has confirmed that in about 365 days, Pulisic will have been provided with an additional 365 days of experience from which to reminisce and reflect on, and he will do that.

Orlando Won’t Appeal Kaka’s Super Playful, Super Weird Red Card Goof

We’ve come to understand that VAR is going to get weird. There are going to be suspensions of play that feel strange, there are going to be offenses that are bizarrely non-reviewable, there are going to be goals disallowed for offenses in the buildup that’ll feel mysteriously idiosyncratic. It all comes with the power of time travel.

But the one surreal use of VAR we never expected would be the one ending with the brandishing of a straight red card to the wholesome Kaka, which happened on Saturday. This wasn’t your classic sending off — it was weird as s**t. 

How Barcelona Should Spend Their Neymar Transfer Treasure Hoard

Barcelona have a cool $260-ish million to play with following the sale of Neymar Jr. to PSG. Now, the question on everyone's minds is how Barcelona will go about spending such a large sum. Not all at once, hopefully! I took a crack at budgeting Barcelona's bundle of Benjamins (not really Benjamins because they are presumably in Euro form but I love alliteration so whatever), and this is what I came up with:

New socks for the whole team! ($10 per player)

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Becomes Iron Man In Upcoming Video Game

The world cannot get enough Zlatan. A dozen 24-hour networks devoted to Zlatan Ibrahimovic would not be sufficient. Fortunately, Isbit Games is helping fill the void by creating a new mobile game titled “Zlatan Legends.”

Thanks To Ronaldinho, You Can Now Joga Bonito With Your Fidget Spinners

If you thought fidget spinners were only for hyperactive tweens and squirmy corporate adults, then think again.

The most annoying and amusing toy in the world just received the stamp of approval from Ronaldinho. The Brazilian legend recently released his own line of fidget spinners, available in silver, gold and black. The stylish gadget’s piéce de résistance is the emblazoned “Ronaldinho” signature.

Jose Mourinho’s Bus Was Parked Against His Will

No one knows more about parking the bus than Jose Mourinho. Though in England he’s often credited with coining the phrase as a derisory comment about Tottenham playing defensively in 2004, Mourinho is a manager who is not afraid to go all-out defense to get a result.

On Wednesday, someone parked Mourinho’s bus.

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