England

You’ve likely heard that Jose Mourinho’s Manchester United are, after 13 Premier League matches, further down the EPL table than they were during the dog days of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal. You’ve also probably been told that Mourinho has won as many games (six) in his last 20 EPL fixtures as Sean Dyche, Sam Allardyce and, yes, David Moyes. And all this after spunking a bajillion of the late Malcolm Glazer’s hard earned dollars all over the summer transfer market.

We've been over why Bastian Schweinsteiger needs to be playing for Manchester United, so we're not going to do that again.

(sorry, can't help ourselves: it's because Marouane Fellaini is garbage)

Schweinsteiger's exile from the Manchester United first team finally ended Wednesday when he made a four-minute (plus stoppage time) cameo in United's 4-1 win against West Ham in the EFL Cup quarterfinals.

It’s the EFL Cup so everything must be taken with a grain of salt, but Manchester United’s dominate victory over West Ham in the quarterfinals saw United resemble a waking giant. It must also be said that West Ham’s performance was totally in line with their 2016-17 season so far — disastrous.

With only two minutes gone, the Red Devils opened the scoring after a brilliant exchange between Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. With both Paul Pogba and Marouane Fellaini suspended for the match, Mkhitaryan was handed a rare start and setup Ibrahimovic with a slick back heel.  

Barnet threw down against Enfield Town in the Middlesex Senior Cup, a competition involving Greater London clubs that we know f*** all about. Enfield Town play in the semi-professional Isthmian League, and their club badge features the Enfield beast, a fictitious creature with the head of a fox, the chest of a greyhound, the body of a lion, the legs and tail of a wolf and eagle’s talons.

Bob Bradley got his first victory as manager of Swansea City at the sixth time of asking, the Swans earning a vital three points in a nine-goal thriller with struggling Crystal Palace. 

Bob Bradley is the first American manager in history to win a Premier League game.

What a way to do it! pic.twitter.com/qcdK85Jjde

— Squawka Football (@Squawka) November 26, 2016

The record for the fastest red card ever in soccer is somewhat dubious: is it limited to professionals? What about amateur leagues? Does the player actually have to play a second before being sent off? These are the kinds of ridiculous variables you must factor into determining the fastest red card ever in soccer.

According to the Guardian, there have been a number of instances when substitutes have been sent off without having ever played a second in the match.

So our boss asked us to write some articles about the most-searched footballers from the month of October, and so we picked Reading's German-American midfielder Danny Williams and WOW we did not know we were going to be bringing you hot political news this week.

So, the election is over, but apparently in October there was some kind of wild bullshit thing about Bill Clinton having an illegitimate son, and apparently there was a person who came forward claiming to be said illegitimate son and that person is/was named Danney Williams.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic frequently plays at being a conquerer, emperor and god while discussing his career. He’s discussed how his favorite movie is Gladiator, because he feels that, like Maximus Decimus Meridius, he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

“That’s how I felt, or wanted to feel,” said Ibrahimovic in his book, I Am Zlatan. “I wanted to stand up to the whole world and show everybody who’d doubted me who I really was, and I couldn’t imagine anyone who’d be able to stop me.”

Eden Hazard keeps getting linked with bigger clubs, but the Chelsea attacker is happy where he's at right now.

In an interview with the Guardian, Hazard made his intentions clear: “If I ever leave, it’ll be after winning a championship.”