English Clubs

Roman Abramovic didn't become an oligarch by making bad financial decisions; his business savvy, along with shrewd political connections and a healthy moral deficit have allowed him to amass a personal fortune of around $8 billion. 

These days, one needn’t rely upon calendars, atomic clocks or tidal flows to gauge the dwindling of summer; the stench of panic emanating from Ed Woodward’s corner office is guidance enough.

Earlier this summer, Louis van Gaal hinted that Manchester United would bring in a "mystery striker." He was, obviously, very mysterious about who it would be. There were rumors about Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Neymar, Edinson Cavani and Cristiano Ronaldo, among others.

Do you want to know what feels like it happened a long time ago? This, this feels like it happened a long time ago:

That was Javier Hernandez playing hero for Real Madrid in one of the biggest games of the year late last April, 4 months ago. 

Manchester United advanced today to the group stage of the Champions League after spending a year in wayward pines. Wayne Rooney scored three goals and the Red Devils won 4-0. Great for them! That’s terrific. Way to go, fellas. Cheers. Good luck in Russia or Madrid or Israel in the next round.

Serious question: do you think you could do a dizzy penalty?

Gareth Bale couldn't do it.

Apparently this is a thing now. Players spin around and try and take a penalty and it's hilarious. We don't know why they would do this, but whatever. Minor details.

Look! Liverpool players tried it too! We learned that Joe Gomez is likely a better dizzy defender than a dizzy attacker, among other things.

If Arsenal have exhausted their summer budget and are forced to make some cuts to save money, they know where to find a pilot. 

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain may just be their best bet, as te took part in Arsenal's flight simulator challenge a few years ago.

Just off the western coast of Morocco lies a volcanic archipelago known as the Canary Islands. Despite its size, the Spanish-controlled territory has developed a locally based premier division called the Preferente which combines with the fifth division of Spanish football. Local Canary Island club Raqui San Isidro are becoming more popular by the day in the Preferente since Pedro’s transfer from Barcelona to Chelsea. 

However much Jose Mourinho may claim that last Sunday’s shellacking from Manchester City was "a fake," the bare facts are that Chelsea have played six games (two EPL, one Community Shield and three pre-season friendlies) thus far this season and haven’t won a single one of them.

So what, or who, is to blame for The Blues’ sloth-like start?