OK, England won a penalty shootout, so we can be done with those forever now, right? No more penalties, no more penalty shootouts. Let’s just see some goals from open play and some gentlemanly behavior out there. Let’s all just agree to that and we’ll enjoy ourselves in the quarterfinals. What’s that? I’m being sent to the Gulag?
Champions. No, world champions. What does it take to earn that preposterously prestigious title? Today, both Brazil and Belgium took a step towards finding out. In many ways it was well deserved — Brazil rode some individual moments of excellence to a 2-0 win, Belgium came back from 2-0 down to win in the 94th minute.
But then there’s the fact that this Brazilian side is decidedly evil and Belgium’s golden generation almost hilariously fucked it up again well short of its first genuine test.
Spain, the side many elevated to the status of favorites after landing Russia in the Round of 16 followed by a quarterfinal against either Croatia or Denmark, is out. We said it before, and we’ll say it again: if you look ahead at the 2018 World Cup then you’re already dead.
Also, if you complete 1,006 passes in one match you’re dead as well. That’s another thing we learned today.
At one point today, Gabriel Mercado’s strike was going to send Argentina through to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. There was also a point when Pepe’s header was probably going to see Portugal win on penalties. Pepe.
These were insane situations in time — brief instances that demonstrated the chaos of life and sport.
Because let’s be honest, Portugal and Argentina are pretty trash. Ronaldo and Messi should get replica trophies for dragging them this far.
Today brings to a close one of the greatest World Cup group stages in recent memory. Today, however, wasn’t all that great. Well, it was a little great.
Michy Batshuayi sums up all our feelings on #ENG #BEL pic.twitter.com/DULKERz7h0
This World Cup featured the craziest group stage I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it was the VAR, something in the Russian water or if Putin's cronies were up to something, but the 2018 edition of the world’s greatest sporting event will forever live on as one of the best.
We will have no back-to-back champions. We will have no Germany 7 — Brazil 1. We will have no Thomas Muller doing silly things at the Munich Hofbräuhaus. Everything is different now.
As frustrating as it was to watch (the 78,000 at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow deserve a refund), France’s scoreless draw against Denmark — our first of the tournament — wasn’t hard to predict. Les Bleus wanted top spot in Group C and Denmark loves nothing more than an amicable bit of chumminess, and so that’s how it played out.
I’ll be honest, I don’t have that many eyes. I just have the two and they largely need to be fixed on the same thing. In fact, if I had to describe it to you, my vision basically just looks like what you’d presumably see with one giant eye. I describe my lovely eyes and their function just as a means to say that with the World Cup having moved to simultaneous kick offs, my eyes can’t be everywhere.
On Tuesday I watched France vs. Denmark (kill me now) and Argentina vs. Nigeria (let me live a while longer), so those two matches will be my focus here.
This is where the introduction usually goes but fire the torpedoes!