Tricks

And so it’s confirmed: German international and FC Cologne left back Jonas Hector is the most likable footballer on the planet. Weeks after committing his future to an already relegated Cologne, despite being able to transfer to pretty much any team on the planet, Hector proceeded to score this worldie against Wolfsburg on Saturday.

Issy “Hitman” Hamdaoui is a legend of street football. Hamdaoui is part of the Streetkings collective, founded by the godfather of Dutch street football, Edward van Gils (the two were featured as playable characters in FIFA Street 2). Hamdaoui has made countless contributions to the game, but he’s perhaps most famous for pioneering the AKKA 3000 move.

Perhaps the most pathetic news of the week was Neymar missing Paris Saint-Germain’s resounding, title-clinching 7-1 victory over rival Monaco on Sunday — the 273 million dollar man preferring to play online poker in Brazil rather than celebra

If you ever find yourself, as a defender, in a situation in which Jessica Silva has the ball somewhere in the vicinity of the corner flag and you are standing between her and the goal, just give up. Accept that she is going to humiliate you and get on with your life. Move into a cabin in the woods and meditate. Live off the land. Develop a hobby like woodworking. No one can nutmeg you when you're woodworking.

Silva, though, will nutmeg you. She will nutmeg you to death. Here is proof, via Portugal's 2019 World Cup qualifier against Belgium:

Behold, the most nonchalant double nutmeg of all-time. Like a video game hero encountering the first two nameless henchmen on level one, our beloved mad lad wastes these two opponents before they fade off our screen entirely.

All that’s left is our gallant No. 9, who looks like he could either kill you with subtle skills (as below) or just “Gonzalo Higuain Truck You” into the afterlife. He’s built like the nameless beast of AMC’s The Terror. He’s the thing that eats on two legs and four. The thing made of muscles and spells.

During Racing Club’s 5-0 defeat of Patronato in the Argentine Primera Division on Sunday, 20-year-old forward Lautaro Martinez — who just received his first Argentina call-up and is reportedly being heavily courted by both Borussia Dortmund and Inter Milan — provided the play of the weekend with just two delicate touches of the ball. 

His intricate little tippy tap sent the ball through the legs of the defender, ending his life and sending his soul down the river Styx. 

Oh baby. It’s that time of year again. Nearly seven weeks after a Copa del Rey exit put manager Zinedine Zidane’s position on the brink, Real Madrid has since gone 9-1-1 while elevating itself back to the position of Champions League favorite following a 5-2 aggregate humbling of PSG. 

Over that period, Cristiano Ronaldo has recorded 15 goals and two assists in nine starts, including a brace against Eibar on Saturday.