USA

Welcome back, MLS. We didn’t really miss you, but we’re glad you’re back.

After taking a two-week break for the start of the Gold Cup (but resuming before the end of the Gold Cup, because, you know, CONCACAF), MLS returned with a bang on Wednesday. 

But, since most MLS fans were probably watching Team USA on Wednesday instead, here’s a rundown of the night’s action, which included six pretty good matches and then a drab 0-0 draw between Minnesota and Houston. 

The United States are through to the Gold Cup semifinals, but the real story on Wednesday night was the erotic interplay between USMNT striker Jozy Altidore and his tight man-to-man marker, El Salvador’s Henry Romero.

The City of Brotherly Love was truly feeling the heat yesterday evening as Romero pinched and twisted Altidore’s nipple and took a nice little chomp on his shoulder for good measure. Romero was booked in the 81st minute, but he kept Altidore off the scoresheet for 90 minutes, so mission accomplished.

Despite a litany of mistakes from the back four and very hungry El Salvador defense, the USMNT is through to the semifinals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup. The 2-0 scoreline perhaps flattered the USA, but a win's a win.

Omar Gonzalez opened the scoring off a set piece, for his second goal of the tournament.

The process for selecting the 24-man MLS All-Star roster means that there’s always going to be some massive snubs. That just comes with the territory of allowing fans to vote for nearly 50% of the squad. It’s not worth getting too upset over. After all, it’s the fans that’ll actually pay to watch the glorified friendly between the All-Stars and Real Madrid on August 2 in Chicago.

It’s like Superman wearing a green cape or Cristiano Ronaldo without perfectly manicured hair — there’s just something off. 

When the U.S. plays in the Gold Cup quarterfinals on Wednesday, a few national team veterans won’t look quite right in the red, white and blue. Their numbers will be all wrong.

When Bruce Arena called up a few of his top veterans to bolster the USMNT for the Gold Cup knockout rounds, Clint Dempsey, Michael Bradley and others joined a squad that had already doled out the first 23 jersey numbers. 

On Monday, Romelu Lukaku showed the world that he can still do goals by doing one against Real Salt Lake, but the real story of the night was the raring, caged animal that is Jose Mourinho. The Mind Games Master was exquisite during and after the match, foretelling of a season that will either end with him winning the treble or getting sacked by December. There are no other logical outcomes.

It didn't take Christian Pulisic long to show his new boss what he can do with the ball at his feet. In Borussia Dortmund’s first match of the International Champions Cup against renovated AC Milan in China, Pulisic had two assists and drew a penalty as the Germans cruised to a 3-1 win. 

New Dortmund coach Peter Bosz will likely have few complaints with the 18-year-old American, who was subbed off in the 74th minute. Bosz was brought in from Ajax in June after guiding the Dutch team to the Europa League final. 

With one powerful blast of his left foot, Dom Dwyer’s chances to make an even bigger statement with the U.S. men’s national team took a blow, the Nicaraguan keeper guessing correctly to keep the American’s penalty kick out. 

The English-born U.S. international scored in his first two appearances for USMNT, but Dwyer couldn’t convert from the spot in his third appearance on Saturday. The next day he was dropped from the team for the remainder of the Gold Cup. Now the 26-year-old striker will be wondering what could have been.