Videos

Cristiano Ronaldo is an inspiration to 30-somethings everywhere. He shows us that despite no longer being the target market and despite no contemporary pop songs being written about our nightly hijinks (“I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 33” just sounds sad), we are still human people. We are still capable of launching ourselves towards the heavens like a SpaceX rocket before getting one over on those nasty, garbage bin 40-somethings in goal.

If you ever find yourself, as a defender, in a situation in which Jessica Silva has the ball somewhere in the vicinity of the corner flag and you are standing between her and the goal, just give up. Accept that she is going to humiliate you and get on with your life. Move into a cabin in the woods and meditate. Live off the land. Develop a hobby like woodworking. No one can nutmeg you when you're woodworking.

Silva, though, will nutmeg you. She will nutmeg you to death. Here is proof, via Portugal's 2019 World Cup qualifier against Belgium:

Roma completed one of the biggest comebacks in Champions League history by overcoming a 4-1 deficit after the first leg in Barcelona. They advanced to the semifinals on away goals after winning the second leg 3-0. When Manolas headed in the game-winning goal everyone (except Barca fans) went crazy: the players, the coaches, the fans, but the best reaction came from Roma’s commentator. This man was screeching like a little kid who got Nintendo 64 for Christmas.