WTF

Stephan El Shaarawy scored what we’re forever calling a Roman Hat Trick. The Roma winger scored two goals in the first half against Chelsea and received a bit of unexpected foreplay from teammate Diego Perotti. Roma beat Chelsea 3-0 on Tuesday in the Rome rematch of the remarkably entertaining 3-3 draw at Stamford Bridge a couple weeks ago. El Shaarawy was at the center of it all, spoiling the return of Blues coach Antonio Conte to his native country. 

Normally, when one's 21-year-old Kosovar striker makes a substitute appearance after fans have been calling for him and ends up scoring the winner, that is cause for celebration. Not for Ipswich Town manager Mick McCarthy, though. Mick McCarthy does not celebrate.

Ipswich Town were down 1-0 to Burton Albion on Saturday in the second half, and fans were calling for Bersant Celina, a 21-year-old Kosovar on loan from Manchester City, to be introduced. Ipswich Town tied the match up in the 66th minute and Celino came on in the 84th, scoring a late winner.

This should have been a fun article to write. This should have been an article in which Lazio were praised and evangelized; the remarkable rehabilitation of striker Ciro Immobile after years in the wilderness; the astounding performance of manager Simone Inzaghi, only appointed after Marcelo Biesla refused to show up for work on his first day; the way in which the entire team has blown away opposition this year, propelling themselves all the way up the table and sitting, right now, level with Juventus. It should have been a fantastically positive article. 

But it’s not.

Watford captain Troy Deeney is facing a three-match ban after being retrospectively punished for his tussle with the 5’6’’ Joe Allen on Saturday. With Stoke City leading Watford 1-0 in the match’s final seconds, Deeney, who’s 6’0’’ and built like a brick sh*thouse, appeared to squish the wee Welshman’s head while cackling like a maniac.

There’s a little Ralph Wiggum in all of us. From the doofus who plays soccer with basketball shoes on to one of the best coaches in Europe, we can all relate to the rotund dimwit from The Simpsons from time to time. Jupp Heynckes should listen to the sage advice from one Ralph Wiggum: “My doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.”

Ever wanted to know what a locker room looks like after your favorite stars are done with it? Well, it’s a bit like learning how the sausage is made — probably something you’d rather not see. The Barcelona locker room was left a nauseating mess after the team’s 3-0 win over host Murcia in the Copa del Rey fourth-round match on Tuesday.