The18 has been struggling to come up with a formal definition for "agricultural football" for some time now. While we can draw on subjective turns of phrase such as "blood and thunder," "turgid" or plain old "sh*t," we wanted something quantitative; something categoric and objective.
And thanks to last season's Premier League tie between Stoke City and Hull City at the Britannia Stadium, we have it:
"Agricultural Football": A game which produces more stitches required than shots on target.
For reasons not entirely clear, Hull's Manuel Figueroa decided midway through the opening 45 minutes to gouge an inch-deep trench into Stephen Ireland's calf. As you can imagine when you look at the below, Ireland didn't emerge from the changing rooms after half-time, and is likely to be out for "any number of weeks" according to Stoke manager Mark Hughes.
Photo @DavidFinlay8 | Twitter
But now down to the all-important numbers: Figueroa's "horror tackle" (the formal nomenclature) left Ireland needing a dozen stitches; 90 minutes of Stoke vs. Hull, meanwhile, produced just TWO shots on goal.
Which means we can now declare with the fullest of confidence that Stoke City vs. Hull City was officially, by a factor of 6, "Agricultural." We'd like to thank everyone involved at the Britannia for helping us nail down our definition, and may we wish Stephen Ireland the speediest of recoveries.
