These days, one needn’t rely upon calendars, atomic clocks or tidal flows to gauge the dwindling of summer; the stench of panic emanating from Ed Woodward’s corner office is guidance enough.
Two years ago, Manchester United’s Executive Vice Chairman tried to outbid Real Madrid for Gareth Bale and convince Cristiano Ronaldo to return to Old Trafford, before being led on a merry dance across Europe by two men claiming to represent Ander Herrera (they didn’t). In the end, the Red Devils signed Marouane Fellaini for a King’s ransom, and nobody else.
Last year, despite having wrapped up the early acquisitions of the aforementioned Herrera and Luke Shaw, Woodward was again subserviently traipsing around Europe, d*ck in hand, signing up any player Jorge Mendes told him would sell shirts. He came away with Angel di Maria (which went well) and Radamel Falco (which went even better).
This year, Woodward and United are arguably more desperate heading into the final few days of the transfer window than they’ve ever been before: they have one of the best goalkeepers in the world sat in the stands with fewer than 12 months left on his contract; their strike force is woefully under-manned, with Fellaini being touted by Louis van Gaal as United’s solution “at number 9 or 10”; to top things off, Wayne Rooney, United’s club captain and supposed main goal threat, hasn’t scored in the Premier League in nearly 900 minutes of football (however many goals he scores against Belgian also-rans).
It’s unsurprising, therefore, that the media is going apoplectic as transfer deadline day nears. They see the obvious need at Old Trafford and, with United’s gargantuan wherewithal providing a semblance of credibility, link the Red Devils with hyper-ambitious $350 million bids for Neymar, never-gonna-happen-in-a-
Except, the dreadful truth for United fans is that, just maybe, this nonsense isn’t actually emanating from the media’s imagination after all; it’s pouring straight out of Old Trafford itself. Drunk on the power of becoming the big swinging d*ck at the biggest sports club in the world, and focused more on commercial success off the pitch than victories on it, Ed Woodward actually thinks he can sign the likes of Neymar and Bale despite recent history proving beyond doubt that he can’t. And all the while, realistic targets such as Pedro slip by the wayside and United’s desperation increases exponentially: what price a $50 million bid for Charlie Austin come 11:59pm on September 1st?
Morgan Schneiderlein is a perfect example of the sort of business Manchester United should have done all summer long: a proven Premier League operator at a “smaller” club (sorry, Saints fans) who’s delighted to make the move to Old Trafford and fills a very specific need within United’s squad. Will “SCHNEIDERLEIN” sell as many shirts as “NEYMAR”? No, but at least he’ll pull the bloody shirt on in the first place (and hey, think of all the revenue from those extra seven letters…).
Instead, Woodward has chased any agent who’s shown a hint of his client’s leg, choosing to believe his own hype rather than see each situation for what it is: players using Manchester United as a very handy piece of leverage in contract negotiations. What are the odds Neymar signs a mammoth contract extension at Barca within the next few days?
For the “Anyone But United” brigade, the final few days of the transfer window could deliver more schadenfreude than they know what to do with, as Woodward forlornly pursues his doomed personal vanity projects to the death; Manchester United fans may want to turn off their laptops and Twitter feeds until September 2nd.
