Manchester United loanee and soon-to-be-reject Nick Powell admitted that he forgot to watch his parent club's utterly pathetic 2-1 defeat to Midtjylland. According to Powell, he was too immersed in playing FIFA, and completely missed the match.
Some Manchester United fans may be screaming for his head, accusing him of a breach of loyalty, but not me. I mean, who can blame the guy? United are complete and utter s***. Even when they win, it's s***. I'd sure as hell rather have played FIFA. Instead, I sat and watched an outrageously expensive squad (in which each player makes more per year than I will in my lifetime) get pummeled by a team that hadn't played in two months.
But I will continue to watch them. Because I'm stupid. It's too late for me, but it's not too late for you, young grasshopper. I will help lead you away from the gnarled monstrosity that Van Gaal has created, and I will point you towards the enlightened white shores of pretty much anything else. Here are 18 things you can do instead of watching Manchester United play.
18. Learn every Ramones song on the panflute.
(Notice I said things you can do, not things you should do)
17. Watch FC United of Manchester instead.
(They're probably better. No, really)
FCUM vs Harrogate Town - Goal & Match highlights from FCUM TV on Vimeo.
16. Try to take over the world.
(The same thing we do every night)
15. Watch old Manchester United season reviews and cry yourself to sleep.
(a.k.a what I do every night)
14. Reenact '300' shot-by-shot with thumb puppets.
(Don't forget the green screen. It's gotta look professional)
Photo: @CJ_Awele | Twitter
13. Watch literally any other team or any other sport.
(We recommend XTREME ironing)
This guy most go through so many ironing boards. Photo: @myknyt | Twitter
12. Try your hand at quantum physics.
(It will make your brain hurt less)
11. Start a cult that believes Donald Trump's hair is a channel to an alternate dimension.
(How does it work? We don't know. Something to do with quantum physics probably. Either way, the host body must be sacrificed in order to achieve transcendence)
Photo: @sugarplumtae | Twitter
10. Play Football Manager 2016.
(OK. This one is legit. You should actually do this)
9. Become a part-owner of your own football club.
(Granted, it's semi-pro. But who cares? What do you want from us?)
8. Watch the Robo Cup instead.
(Come on you Nao-Devils!)
7. Watch Deadpool.
(Seriously, it's great. And this video is the most entertainment United have produced all season)
6. Recreate the historic Battle of Midway with rubber duckies.
(Alas, the internet had nothing to give for this one. Damn it internet, get it together)
5. Invest in Mathieu Flamini's company.
(In all likelihood, they're going to save the world)
4. Write that screenplay you're always going on about.
(You know, about that everyman cop who's finally pushed to the edge and decides to take matters into his own hands. (Gold baby. Pure cinematic gold)
3. F***ing sleep.
(God forbid you sleep in and miss that one shot on target)
2. Watch 18 seconds of Paul Pogba.
(It's awesome. Until you remember that United let him go for basically nothing)
1. Prepare yourself for the inevitability of Jose Mourinho's arrival.
(If you're not a fan of the man you may want to start...uh...I don't know...yoga? Is that a good treatment for utter contempt?)
Follow me on Twitter @J_Hansen_89
