Error message

  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\HandlerList::count() should either be compatible with Countable::count(): int, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 32 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/HandlerList.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Api\AbstractModel::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Api/AbstractModel.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Api\AbstractModel::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Api/AbstractModel.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Api\AbstractModel::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Api/AbstractModel.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Api\AbstractModel::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Api/AbstractModel.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Endpoint\Partition::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 13 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Endpoint/Partition.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of & Aws\Endpoint\Partition::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 13 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Endpoint/Partition.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Endpoint\Partition::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 13 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Endpoint/Partition.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Endpoint\Partition::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 13 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Endpoint/Partition.php).
  • Deprecated function: Aws\Credentials\Credentials implements the Serializable interface, which is deprecated. Implement __serialize() and __unserialize() instead (or in addition, if support for old PHP versions is necessary) in include() (line 8 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Credentials/Credentials.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Command::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of & Aws\Command::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Command::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Command::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Command::count() should either be compatible with Countable::count(): int, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Command::getIterator() should either be compatible with IteratorAggregate::getIterator(): Traversable, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 7 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Command.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Result::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of & Aws\Result::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Result::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Result::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Result::getIterator() should either be compatible with IteratorAggregate::getIterator(): Traversable, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Deprecated function: Return type of Aws\Result::count() should either be compatible with Countable::count(): int, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in include() (line 9 of /var/www/html/vendor/aws/aws-sdk-php/src/Result.php).
  • Warning: Undefined array key "nid" in views_handler_field_term_node_tid->pre_render() (line 98 of /var/www/html/docroot/sites/all/modules/views/modules/taxonomy/views_handler_field_term_node_tid.inc).
  • Warning: Undefined array key "nid" in views_handler_field_term_node_tid->pre_render() (line 98 of /var/www/html/docroot/sites/all/modules/views/modules/taxonomy/views_handler_field_term_node_tid.inc).
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How To Play Like Zlatan Ibrahimovic

He's one of the world's most talented and outspoken footballers. Deep down, everyone just wants to play and act a little more like Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Here are eight steps that will allow you to play like the Swedish captain. 

How To Play Like Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Step #1: Before even touching a football, dedicate your time to earning a black-belt in taekwondo. This will enable you to score ridiculous kung fu-style goals and kick both opponents and teammates up the a**.  

Step #2: Alright, now it’s time to really train. Or is it? That’s really up to you. Let's put training on the back burner for now. 

Step #3: With training on hold, it’s time to go hunting. Hunting is the one time you can be yourself, a private domain where not even the animals will recognize you and ask for an autograph. That's because they are ignorant savages.

Step #4: Great job out there, shooter. Like a slightly oversized Oguchi Onyewu, that 500 pound moose didn't stand a chance. Time to go on holiday. If this worries your colleagues, if they find it unprofessional, tell those wet nips tough luck. You don’t give a s***. Anything that occurs in your absence is like a tree falling in a forest, it has absolutely no impact on anything whatsoever.  

Step #5: If you need to tryout for your club in order to finally begin playing, don’t. As the great man once said, “Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.” If a little club like Arsenal F.C. want to see you in action first, tell them to piss off.

 

Step #6: If you're starting to wonder if these instructions are actually beneficial, don’t ever philosophize. Philosophy is the practice of the bald and castrated . Your mental preparation should follow a more robust train of thought: You’re a Ferrari and everyone around you is simply a Fiat. Defenders will try to put you off because they’re weak and you’re strong. You don’t owe anyone anything because you’ve given them the greatest gift of all: yourself. 

Step #7: It’s almost time to actually kick a football, but first, let’s say a little prayer for guidance. Repeat after me: Dear (insert your own name here), thank you for making me in the mirror image of your own perfection. Thank you, (insert your own name here), I love you. Amen.  

Step #8: Finally, it’s time to play. Unfortunately, there can only ever be one Zlatan. This entire exercise has been giant waste of time. You are now some sort of manic egomaniac with a worthless skill set.

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