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Heading to the 2023 FIFA Women's World Cup in Australia and New Zealand, many have pinpointed the USWNT's lack of depth at center back as a cause for concern. So to predict the outcome of this summer's main event, we've devised the sternest, most analytical variable yet: How would the USWNT fare at the World Cup with Danny DeVito at center back?
Using FIFA 23's recently released "Lead Your Country" mode for the Women's World Cup, we've recreated DeVito to the best of our ability — although the glasses are an aftereffect, you can't make anyone smaller than 5'3'' (DeVito is 4'10'') or older than 43 (he's 78).
Still, here's Danny DeVito on the USWNT.
Matchday #1: USWNT vs. Vietnam
Expected to be the easiest match of the group stage, shit hits the fan in the fifth-minute when DeVito places a pass out of bounds. Vietnam, with DeVito now out of position, quickly takes the throw-in and abuses the space that the American actor left vacated.
Tuyet Dung finishes to make it 1-0 to Vietnam. What the hell is going on here?
I'm reminded of how bad I am at this game, and at halftime I learn I'm also not allowed to make any changes because technically I'm Danny DeVito.
Vietnam keeps isolating Danny DeVito!
I've got to press on with this shitshow, and in the 48th-minute Rose Lavelle laces one in from 22 yards out as the country back home breathes a collective sigh of relief. This hasn't been the most memorable World Cup watch party for anyone.
But good lord is Vietnam talented. They're incredibly structured defensively, quickest to react to everything, passing with a remarkable crispness and looking faster/fitter than every USWNT player (especially Danny DeVito).
Around the 66th minute, it's time for this...
And then, in the 75th, Vietnam's Tuyet Dung bangs in another one in from 25 yards out. It's an insane strike and Vietnam holds on for the 2-1 victory. Maybe this was all a giant mistake. I'm warning the country now, be very afraid of Tuyet Dung and the USWNT's lack of depth at CB.
The biggest day in Vietnam's sporting history.
Matchday #2: USWNT vs. Netherlands
After playing as the whole USWNT in the first match, I select to only play as Danny DeVito against the Dutch because I'm terrified. Danny and I can't let my country down like this; we can't be home before the postcards. Take the wheel, AI.
Devito putting it all on the line against the Dutch.
My decision is a genius one because it takes Lavelle all of two minutes to open the scoring. The Netherlands have a few chances to equalize — DeVito's still not playing clean back there — but Alyssa Naeher keeps it at 1-0 before the U.S. really starts cooking.
Sophia Smith scores two, Alex Morgan adds one and the USWNT pounds the Dutch 4-0. Hope springs eternal for the Stars and Stripes with Danny DeVito's player performance rating showing great gains.
Matchday #3: USWNT vs. Portugal
The first half can't go any better with Smith and Morgan putting the U.S. up 2-0 by the 30th minute, and in the second 45 DeVito appears to commit a handball offense in the box but replays show it's just a fantastic block by the 78-year-old's girth.
DeVito is suddenly growing in confidence, all things are possible through Morgan/Smith/Lavelle and Vlatko Andonovski suddenly looks like a genius for selecting the man who played The Penguin in Batman Returns (1992).
Matchday #4 (Round of 16): USWNT vs. Italy
Alarm bells are ringing early when Italy isolates DeVito and quickly scores, and I, Danny DeVito, am screaming at Andi Sullivan for not providing me with more cover: "If I could, I'd replace you Julie Ertz!" ... but I can't.
To make matters worse, Sullivan gets beat again and DeVito's got to take matters into his own hands with a scything tactical foul on Italy's Cristiana Girelli. It's Danny's first yellow of the tournament!
But just when all hope is lost, Alex Morgan takes over. The striker equalizes in the first half with a solo goal and then gets two more in the second 45 for a hat trick. Also, she's celebrated all five of her goals this tournament with the tea sipping celebration, and I really hope that happens IRL.
DeVito made up for the first-half booking with a goal-saving, groin-tearing tackle late in the game.
Matchday #5 (Quarterfinal): USWNT vs. Norway
Guess what happened in this one?
Yup. Alex Morgan's brace put the U.S. up 2-0 before Guro Reiten and Lindsey Horan exchanged late goals for a 3-1 scoreline. That loss to Vietnam seems ages ago.
Matchday #6 (Semifinal): USWNT vs. Spain
It's the semi against a quality opponent, but Horan scores in the 20th minute and Morgan gets another in the 28th. Suddenly there's a question over why we're doing this in the first place — what's the point? What does it even mean? Why is Danny DeVito on the USWNT at the World Cup?
But it's at that moment — when we're just like Icarus, failing to appreciate the grind and instead flying too close to the sun — when a situation like this arises: Jennifer Hermoso is through and there's nothing Danny DeVito can do except sprint in the T-Rex running style I assigned him.
It's suddenly 2-1 and that's why we do this, because nobody can let their guard down; that includes the fans, the USWNT and Danny DeVito.
Horan makes it 3-1 and the three-peat is on.
Matchday #7 (Grand Final): USWNT vs. England
Here. We. Go. The biggest soccer match in Danny DeVito's life.
After 45, it's all in the balance.
But now we know who's going to win it for the USWNT: In the 87th-minute, Kelley O'Hara is played through out wide and finishes for a 3-2 final. That's what's going to happen.
There's one big truth in this prediction. If Alex Morgan does score nine goals in seven games then the USWNT is winning the World Cup, even if their defense and midfield are suspect.
What a ride.
