English Clubs

You’ve likely heard that Jose Mourinho’s Manchester United are, after 13 Premier League matches, further down the EPL table than they were during the dog days of David Moyes and Louis van Gaal. You’ve also probably been told that Mourinho has won as many games (six) in his last 20 EPL fixtures as Sean Dyche, Sam Allardyce and, yes, David Moyes. And all this after spunking a bajillion of the late Malcolm Glazer’s hard earned dollars all over the summer transfer market.

We've been over why Bastian Schweinsteiger needs to be playing for Manchester United, so we're not going to do that again.

(sorry, can't help ourselves: it's because Marouane Fellaini is garbage)

Schweinsteiger's exile from the Manchester United first team finally ended Wednesday when he made a four-minute (plus stoppage time) cameo in United's 4-1 win against West Ham in the EFL Cup quarterfinals.

It’s the EFL Cup so everything must be taken with a grain of salt, but Manchester United’s dominate victory over West Ham in the quarterfinals saw United resemble a waking giant. It must also be said that West Ham’s performance was totally in line with their 2016-17 season so far — disastrous.

With only two minutes gone, the Red Devils opened the scoring after a brilliant exchange between Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. With both Paul Pogba and Marouane Fellaini suspended for the match, Mkhitaryan was handed a rare start and setup Ibrahimovic with a slick back heel.  

Liverpool fans were probably the only people who really cared who Ben Woodburn was before this season started, but they were very excited about him.

After the youngster scored against Leeds United in the EFL Cup Tuesday, though, the cat's out of the bag. Woodburn, at 17 years and 45 days old, broke the record held by Michael Owen (17 years and 143 days) for youngest-ever Liverpool goalscorer.

Here are the match highlights:

For all of Tottenham’s sustained excellence throughout the 2015-16 Premier League season, they’ve now got absolutely nothing to show for it. Arsenal infamously pipped Spurs to the runner-up position on the final day of the season, launching an improbable St. Totteringham’s Day, and they’ve now thrown away their reward for finishing third by being eliminated in the Champions League group stage.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic frequently plays at being a conquerer, emperor and god while discussing his career. He’s discussed how his favorite movie is Gladiator, because he feels that, like Maximus Decimus Meridius, he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

“That’s how I felt, or wanted to feel,” said Ibrahimovic in his book, I Am Zlatan. “I wanted to stand up to the whole world and show everybody who’d doubted me who I really was, and I couldn’t imagine anyone who’d be able to stop me.”

Eden Hazard keeps getting linked with bigger clubs, but the Chelsea attacker is happy where he's at right now.

In an interview with the Guardian, Hazard made his intentions clear: “If I ever leave, it’ll be after winning a championship.”