Funny

Some Soccer Stuff That Happened In 2017

What a year 2017 was! You know what happened in 2017? Soccer stuff. Lots of soccer stuff. SO MUCH SOCCER STUFF.

So, let's go over some of the highlights.

Zlatan Decided He's A Lion For Some Reason

How Do You Take A Corner Kick When The Ball Is Floating In A Puddle?

For a corner kick to be taken, the ball must be placed withing the confines of the corner arc. Otherwise, chaos will ensue. Gravity will cease to exist. Everyone will float around everywhere, bumping into stuff chaotically because they have no control over anything. All the colors will turn negative. Vegetables will begin eating people. Bears will begin speaking human languages, but only ancient Greek for some reason. It will be OK to use your cell phone on an airplane.

The world will be an M. Night Shyamalan movie, basically.

Knowing How A Zipper Works Is Overrated

Today we answered a very important question in the world of football: which is more difficult, beating Crystal Palace or zippering a coat?

Zippering, clearly.

Colombian Footballer Receives 6-Month Ban For Pretending To Be Ecuadorian

Rinson Lopez is a 30-year-old Colombian right back who plays for El Nacional in Ecuador. This is noteworthy because for his entire professional career, beginning when he was 17, it was thought that Lopez was an Ecuadorian right back. This is also noteworthy because, like Chivas Guadalajara in Mexico, El Nacional have a policy of only playing Ecuadorian nationals.

So.

Dani Carvajal Is A Better Goalkeeper Than Simon Mignolet And Twitter Knows It

Dani Carvajal's fantastic reflexes prove he is a better goalkeeper than Liverpool’s Simon Mignolet, and Twitter knows it. He gave proof in the latest edition of El Clásico as he epically saved a header by Barça’s Paulinho. 

The only problem is, Carvajal is not a goalkeeper. So the referee blew the whistle, sentenced a penalty kick and sent Carvajal off via a direct red card.

Chapecoense Crash Survivor Jakson Follmann Pulls Prosthetic Leg Prank In Friendly

Former Chapecoense goalkeeper Jakson Follmann, one of six survivors of the LaMia Airlines Flight 2933 disaster, took part in a friendly benefit match between the “Amigos do Tite” (Brazil’s national team manager) and “Amigos do Carille” (the manager of Brazilian club Corinthians) last week.    

Two Minutes Of Luis Suarez Gold, Including Great Goal And Death By Phantom Sniper

On the pitch, Luis Suarez is insane. It’s part and parcel of his playing style. He doesn’t offer the aesthetic subtleties of his Barcelona teammates, but instead harnesses the inner energies of a footballing Babadook to terrorize defenses with whatever means are at his disposal.

During Saturday’s El Clasico, there was a two-minute spell — between the match’s 54th and 56th minutes — that brilliantly encapsulated the art of Suarez. 

Skinny Striker Suspended For Eating Tasty Sandwich During Match

Wayne Shaw and pie-gate, eat your heart out. Michiel Kramer and croquette-gate are the new flavor of the month for food-related football bans. 

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