Humor

Last Wednesday, Real Madrid’s Marco Asensio scored one of the most important goals of his career, earning his side a vital 2-1 away win over Ajax in the Champions League Round of 16. 

Despite impressing intermittently over the course of his three-year stay at Real, the 23-year-old has struggled for consistency this campaign — much like the rest of his teammates. 

But the victory over Ajax was a massive moment for both club and individual as Asensio’s strike made a NINTH STRAIGHT APPEARANCE in the UCL quarterfinals look very attainable for Real.  

PSG star Kylian Mbappe is already way ahead of his time. The 20-year-old sensation has a Ligue 1 leading 19 goals in 18 appearances, a World Cup title and, to cap it all off, he has officially scored his 100th goal in practice.

What a legend.

19 goals in 18 league games for @KMbappe

Teen boys can be juvenile, crude, lewd, rude — and hilarious.

Case in point: an FA Trophy match (basically a lesser version of the FA Cup) on Tuesday between National League side AFC Fylde and Northern Premier League club Ramsbottom United (no, that’s not the joke). 

During the match, the public address announcer was conned into reading a lascivious statement over the PA. 

Undoubtedly, there’s a lot on a player’s mind heading into the day of a massive game.

Especially when that important fixture is a Champions League match. Especially when you are an 18-year-old star shouldering high expectations. Especially when you’re a member of the away club on a homecoming trip to the city you were born and raised in for the first time in your professional career. 

This is the beginning of a new era for U.S. Soccer. 

On Tuesday, the USSF made the change we’ve all been waiting for. No, I’m not talking abolishing pay-to-play, revamping the development academies or giving the men and women equal pay. I’m talking about something far more important. 

Finally, the world makes sense. 

Finally, U.S. Soccer has seen the light. 

Finally, the USWNT and USMNT Twitter handles are what they should be.

Things are going fine for Cristiano Ronaldo in Italy. On Sunday, the 34-year-old scored his 18th league goal in 23 appearances during Juventus’ 3-0 victory over Sassuolo. Following Napoli’s draw with Fiorentina, the win sees Juve open up an 11-point gap at the top of the table with 15 matches remaining. 

So it’s looking like an eighth straight Scudetto for the Old Lady and a Capocannoniere for Ronaldo as Serie A’s top scorer. Ho-hum. 

Ben Foster is the guy we all want to be.

At least, according to his teammate Troy Deeney.

Ben Foster, Watford’s No. 1 goalkeeper (not to be confused with the American actor of the same name), is fourth in the Premier League in saves with 78, the highest of any Englishman. He’s worked his way through the ranks, having signed by Sir Alex Ferguson from Stoke City in 2005 at the age of 22, only to struggle for top-flight match time. 

Up in Minnesota, the polar vortex came, dropped temperatures to minus-28 degrees and went. Up next was some overnight freezing rain that left everything caked in ice on Monday morning. Some people took the opportunity to play ice hockey in the streets, some went about attempting to fix the situation — I'm talking about that hero the salt truck driver.

But just as we can ask who watches the watchmen, who salts for the saltmen? 

If you’re like the rest of America, you’ve probably got the Puppy Bowl on right now. It’s the 15th edition of the game on Animal Planet, and it’s shaping up to be a real doozy. 

CLARA THE PUP HAS LEGS FOR MINUTES!#PuppyBowlXV #PuppyBowl pic.twitter.com/ZDmNVLcIBo