International Soccer

$400 million. That’s how much Fox Sports paid to wrestle the English-language World Cup broadcasting rights away from ESPN. That total includes both the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, but Fox’s plans for the 2018 edition took a massive hit last night when the United States was eliminated from contention by Trinidad and Tobago, a country trumped in population numbers by Hawaii.

Maybe you’ve already heard, but the USMNT will not be going to the World Cup. They’ve been gazumped in the Hex by both Panama and Honduras following the most embarrassing defeat in the history of American sport. But America’s loss is another’s gain, primarily Panama’s, who’ve clinched automatic qualification to Russia. 

The nightmare is real. Three days before Friday the 13th and a few weeks before Halloween, U.S. Soccer completed its horror-show qualifying campaign with a 2-1 loss to Trinidad and Tobago in Cuovo, eliminating the Americans from the World Cup given the results elsewhere in the CONCACAF Hex. With Honduras beating Mexico 3-2 and Panama edging Costa Rica 2-1, the U.S. fell from third to fifth place. 

Peru haven’t qualified for the World Cup since 1982. Now, they will have a chance to play their way into Russia 2018 after qualifying for a playoff spot vs New Zealand. The hero for the Peruvians? Their captain and all-time leading goalscorer Paolo Guerrero. In the 76th minute the 33-year-old ripped a free-kick from 23 yards out and the Estadio Nacional de Lima let out a cry heard across South America.

This is not a goal. The ball did not go in the goal and therefore it cannot be a goal. The United States are out of the World Cup because this was called a goal. It was not a goal. The ball did not cross the line.

I need a drink. Goodnight.

Lionel Messi, with the hopes of a football crazed nation on his shoulders and the studs of a negative Ecuadorian side in his shins, scored an unfathomable hat trick to send Argentina to the World Cup. What else do you want to hear? What else do you want to know?