UEFA

The 30 Finalists For The Ballon d’Or Are Here — Will Ronaldo/Messi Finally Be Dethroned?

The 30 nominees for the 2018 Ballon d’Or award were released today by France Football, and although The Best FIFA Football Awards got tongue’s wagging back on Sept. 24, the gala for the sport’s most prestigious individual prize is expected to follow in a similar vein. (Read: Luka Modric will win, denying Cristiano Ronaldo a third straight triumph.)

UEFA Uses Common Sense, Confirms VAR In Champions League Starting In 2019

Finally, UEFA has confirmed it has common sense. On Thursday, the Executive Committee confirmed there will be VAR in Champions League matches starting with the 2019 season. 

Euro 2024 Will Be Held In Germany, Where The Beer Flows Like Wine

A contest between Germany and Turkey for the right to host Euro 2024 was decided today, and it’s Deutschland that will welcome 24 teams in June and July for the 17th edition of the European Championship. 

Malicious Hair-Puller Cristiano Ronaldo Will Only Serve One-Match Ban

Juventus fans and football lovers everywhere have been waiting with baited breath for a ruling on the red card Cristiano Ronaldo received in Juve’s opening Group H match against Valencia last week. But no one has been more anxious than the Portuguese star himself, who left the pitch in tears for, what many believed, was a rather harsh call by the referee.

Tesla Claims To Have Rockets But The Fuel Is In Ismaïla Sarr's Right Foot

Rennes played Jablonec on Thursday in the Europa League, beating them 2-1. And there were a few takeaways. One being the fact that Hatem Ben Arfa came on after practically two years of inactivity and scored the winner, another being that Theoson Siebatcheu is an American-born player and plays for Rennes, which is promising for the state of U.S. soccer and could be an exciting USMNT call up.

But most notably: Ismaïla Sarr scored a banger — a volley outside the box that arguably skyrocketed into the upper-right corner faster than an actual rocket.

Vorskla Captain Spits On Own Face, Scores Cracking Goal Against Arsenal

Volodymyr Chesnakov has one of the oddest pregame rituals we have ever seen. 

The captain of Vorskla Poltava, Chesnakov and his teammates were in London to face Arsenal in the Europa League on Thursday. Before coming out onto the pitch at Emirates Stadium, Chesnakov spit all over his own face.

And it worked. He scored a great goal for Vorskla, the fifth-place team in the Ukrainian Premier League.

But Arsenal still won easily, 4-2, to the surprise of no one. 

Mauro Icardi’s Stunning Volley Paves Way For Momentous Spurs Collapse

Tottenham is tired. How much of it is the World Cup? How much of it the complete lack of rejuvenation by way of transfers? How much of it is the media incessantly telling us that Tottenham’s tired (although Son Heung-min told us as much too)? How much of it is the dopey-looking faces of Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen? I just don’t know. 

Croatia’s Too Hungover To Deal With This UEFA Nations League BS

Excuse me, I have to type this so quietly because Croatia’s hungover as all hell at the moment, and I daren’t wake it. Today, Croatia opened its eyes in Elche before quickly closing them and muttering, “I think I’m going to die. I don’t think partying for 58 days straight was a good idea.” 

That’s the amount of time that’s elapsed between the nation’s runners-up finish at the World Cup and today’s 6-0 beatdown at the hands of La Furia Roja — a nickname which certainly sounds like the sort of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky product that’d do your head in. 

Italy Remains An Unwatchable Dumpster Fire In Its Current State

Portugal defeated Italy 1-0 Monday at the Estadio da Luz in Lisbon to go top of UEFA Nations League Group 3 while Italy crashed to the bottom of the three-team group with only one point from two matches. The Azzurri’s worrisome 1-1 draw with Poland in Bologna last Friday served to foreshadow the day’s events: Italy mustered only two shots on target while creating absolutely nothing of note.

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