UEFA Champions League

Chelsea Can’t Even Get A Touch Before Messi Megs Courtois For Barca’s Opener

It’s an absolute disaster for Chelsea as three minutes of Barcelona possession straight from kick off has been ultimately rewarded with the opener from Lionel Messi. 

Sergio Busquets and Ivan Rakitic dictated play in Chelsea’s half straight away, but there was no penetration before the ball was suddenly in the back of the net. 

Besiktas Can't Claw Their Way Back Into Contention Against Bayern Munich

Thomas Muller just about nailed Wednesday's Bayern Munich-Besiktas outcome during a press conference prior to the match.

Like A Crab Ripping Its Own Arm Off, Man Utd Aggressively Attacked It’s Own Uselessness After UCL Exit

When you’re the most valuable club on the planet ($3.69 billion), the most popular (659 million followers) and the most successful in English history (42 major tro

Mourinho Gets Outcoached, Man U’s Midfield Outclassed In Stunning UCL Defeat

Consider it karma for Jose Mourinho. The Special One used boring tactics to beat Liverpool on Saturday and tried similarly cynical tactics on Tuesday for Manchester United vs Sevilla. This time, the result was a stunning 2-1 defeat, the Red Devils going out in the Champions League Round of 16. 

For The First Time In 10 Years, Roma Are Through To The Quarterfinals

AS Roma did just enough to overturn their deficit against Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League Round of 16 on Tuesday, Edin Dzeko scoring the lone goal in the 52nd minute to put Roma through via the away goals rule, 2-2 on aggregate.

Shakhtar went about their business professionally in the opening 45, looking dangerous on the counter and assured in possession while Roma struggled to generate any chances of note.

Did Dani Alves Wipe His Nose On Ronaldo?

Footballers aren't like regular humans. They live different lives, and operate in completely different planes of existence. To wit: in my capacity as a professional soccer jokester, I have never had to take to social media to deny wiping a booger on the shirt of a professional colleague. Not even at the company Christmas party.

Dani Alves, however . . .

One Year Ago Today, Barcelona Flipped The Dang Script

One year ago, Barcelona came into the second leg of the Champions League round of 16 down 4-0 on aggregate to PSG. They left with a 6-5 aggregate scoreline after one of the silliest soccer games this professional soccer writer has ever seen. Sergi Roberto's goal broke PSG hearts and shuffled Barca into the quarterfinals to be beaten by eventual runners-up Juventus.

The real heroes here, though, are the referees. I seriously forgot how terrible both penalties Barcelona "won" were. Neither of those are fouls in a just universe.

Nobody Will Kill Your Hopes And Dreams Quite Like Juventus

Tottenham had this. For 60 minutes of play, Tottenham deserved this ... but Juventus aren’t here for your sentimental nonsense. 

Spurs landed five shots on target in the first half — nobody does that to Juventus. Son Heung-min looked razor sharp. Harry Kane was bossing Giorgio Chiellini. Paulo Dybala was about to get roasted on the spit of a thousand different hot takes. Only Andrea Barzagli was doing fun, wily veteran things.

Manchester City Lose Match They Were Not Taking At All Seriously

Here is the play that most sums up the Manchester City-Basel Champions League tie:

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