Bad news for those who believe soccer skills can be had through hard work and training. It may all just boil down to the shape of your face.
According to a study led by Keith Welker, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Colorado Boulder (Go Buffs!), a forward or midfielder with a higher facial-width-to-height ratio (FWHR) is more likely to commit fouls. Also, forwards with higher FWHRs are more likely to score goals and create assists.
Facial-width-to-height ratio is calculated by taking the distance between one's cheekbones and dividing by the distance between the mid-brow and the upper lip.
High FWHR is correlated with a lot of things, including aggression, high drive among CEOs and presidents, antisocial tendencies and unethical behavior.
The study was conducted using 1,000 players from 32 countries as subjects, which eliminates the admittedly plausible possibility that the researchers were just taking notes on Wayne Rooney. He's the first person we thought of when we saw this study. He has a very wide face and represents nearly all (we don't know Wayne personally, so we can't say if he's antisocial/unthical or not) of the traits mentioned.
So, basically, if you want to be a great soccer player, and potentially unpleasant in social situations, figure out a way to make your face wider. We suggest having a friend run your head over with a steamroller.
(Editor's note, we do not suggest getting a friend to run your head over with a steamroller. Our writer is very cold and angry because it's three degrees - minus nine with windchill - at The18's office and the heating is broken. Also, we took his space heater this morning, and he's mad at us for that. What we're trying to say is that he's having a bad day and we can't tell if he's joking. We thought we'd put this note here just to be on the safe side. Once again, do not have your head run over with a steamroller. It will not improve your soccer performance. We think.)
