You’ll likely be aware that the great majority of people on this planet refer to the beautiful game, that noblest of sports, not as soccer, but football. You’re also probably up to speed on the fact that soccer is in fact a long-since-abandoned piece of British slang, principally used by public (read: posh) school boys in 19th century England to distinguish football from their true love: rugby.
Now, while the predilection for the f-word is shared by countries from Armenia to Zanzibar, there is absolutely nothing inherently right or wrong with using football over soccer, or vice versa. Nor is the United States alone in using “soccer” to describe what Cristiano Ronaldo practices when his busy schedule of tanning, full body waxes and product placement allows.
What is difficult to stomach, however, is that the moniker “football” has been hijacked in this country by a sport that can only be described as an atrocity. Football (variously known as American Football, Gridiron or NFL to the rest of the human race) has the unique property of being both tiresomely complex and woefully ill-considered.
It’s essentially a three-hour journey through Dante’s nine circles of hell, which is why most people spend the preceding three hours getting so s***faced in the stadium’s car park that they are physically incapable of focusing on the bilge playing out in front of them.
Most ridiculously of all, there is absolutely no logical reason why “football” should be called football, given ball meets foot no more frequently than a kind word for Rosie O’Donnell spews forth from the hate-plumped lips of — and it pains me to say this — President-Elect Trump. It’s a non sequitur, and nobody likes a non sequitur.
So we think it’s time that the sensible, right-thinking people of the United States snatch “football” back from the evil clutches of the NFL, regardless of whether we choose to use it or not. And to help that process along, it’s imperative that a new name be bestowed upon the-sport-formerly-known-as-football. Preferably one that better reflects the actual characteristics of the game.
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To that end, The18 has submitted the following five suggestions to the Office of Roger Goodell.
"I'm listening..." Photo: @SInow | Twitter
“Inefficient-Use-Of-Time Ball”
On average, an NFL game lasts a smidgen over three hours from kick-off to the final whistle, yet the amount of time in which the ball is actually in play amounts to (wait for it) 11 minutes. ELEVEN MINUTES. I guess all that dicking around with chains, replays, commercial breaks, time outs, commercial breaks, concussions, commercial breaks, inane high-fiving and commercial breaks really adds up.
The next time you chide yourself for getting up early to watch a 0-0 draw between Sunderland and West Brom, consider this: for your hour and 45 minute investment, you got to enjoy a full 90 minutes of action, however uneventful.
Which brings us to…
“Commercial Ball”
This is what it's all about! Photo: @jcelark | Twitter
Perhaps the fundamental difference between football and the NFL is this: whereas the former is a sport that advertisers seek to shoe-horn commercials and product placement into where possible, the latter is a game that does its best to squeeze 11-minutes of play into three hours’ worth of Peyton Manning pushing Direct TV or people pretending to enjoy Bud Light (which, we confess, is no easy feat).
And that’s before we even begin to consider the bajillion-dollar Super Bowl commercial circle jerk: when the climax of your sport’s calendar is as much a discussion of the quality of the advertisements as it is the quality of play, you know you’re in trouble.
“Breaking-Healthy-Men-By-Their-Mid-20s Ball”
The NFL Players’ Association pegs the average players’ career at 3.3 years, although the NFL itself insists the number is closer to six. Either way, you’re washed up long before you hit your late 20s.
“But wait!” we hear you say, “They earn millions of dollars and are set for life!”
Unfortunately not. According to a 2009 Sports Illustrated article, 78 percent of NFL players are either bankrupt or commit suicide within two years of retirement.
“Not-A-World-Championship-When-Only-One-Country-Plays Ball”
Perhaps the biggest gripe the rest of the world has against the NFL is the hubris with which the sport proclaims its winners WORLD CHAMPIONS, despite no other country being involved and precious few foreign players gracing the league. Not even Canadians.
The NFL’s popularity and practice is pretty much singular to the USA. Declaring yourself World Champions by virtue of the fact that no other country on Earth bothers to play your sport is neither big nor clever.
“Smashy-Throwy Ball”
Throwy-Smashy-Ball. Smashy-Throwy-Ball. Whichever way round, few names better encapsulate the fundamental essence of 22 testosterone-addled meatheads smashing seven shades of shit out of each other while a ball occasionally gets thrown / handed-off / fumbled to someone else.
Roger, you can thank us later. Just pick a name and get it done.
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