Humor

Anyone who has watched the first four nights of Democratic presidential primaries debates this summer can attest: There are too many candidates, too little time for real dialogue and too many old white dudes. 

But we here at The18 have an idea to fix all of this. Instead of deciding the Democratic presidential candidate based on boring things like debates and voting, the DNC’s nominee should be picked based on something we can all agree is great: soccer.

We have a feeling it would go something like this:

Oh no.

How did we get here? Why are there horoscopes on the hallowed pages of The18.com? Why aren’t there more extremely interesting transfer mongerings like the ones over at ESPN FC? (Sources: Man Utd pray Dybala arrives in transfer exchange for Phil Jones . . . Sources: Coutinho rejects Tottenham and mind-body dualism . . . Sources: We don't have any sources.) 

These astrological signs better at least be rooted in scientific fact, The18, or I’m going batshit crazy in the comments section. You're not ready to feel the wrath of my keyboard.

Good vertical jumps are touch and go in soccer — some footballers have it, some don’t. It’s not always a necessary skill when playing the game, but it sure is nice to have. However, there's one player who has it in abundance: Cristiano Ronaldo. The man has BOUNCE.

In fact, his 30-inch vertical might be even higher now since the stat was officially recorded in 2014, because we all know how much he loves to train. Below, we’ll look at his vertical compared to a few other athletes, past and present, from various sports.

• Cristiano Ronaldo: 30 inches

We here at The18 are all for clubs doing goofy, weird, absurd and just strange things in the spirit of differentiating themselves, so we were excited to see this new Wigan mascot unveiled Friday.

And yet, I can’t help but think this anthropomorphic pie will haunt my dreams for years to come. 

 Introducing, Crusty the Pie!#wafc 

Full disclosure, I’m a FIFA person. My first taste of the game was World Cup 98, and I’ve been steadily wasting my own money since World Cup 2002. That’s not to say I wholeheartedly believe FIFA to be a superior product to Pro Evolution Soccer. In fact, when some gamers tell me that PES is superior to FIFA, I genuinely believe them. Why shouldn’t I? FIFA can be really annoying.

Phil Jones has had many memeable moments in his career...

Phil Jones Memes

Like this tumble.

Or his classic "head tackle."

Or even just his face.

I don't know which two teams are playing. I don't know which league this game is played in. I don't know the score of the game. And I don't know when this game took place. But watching karma hilariously bite someone in the butt is always worth it.

The video below shows a goalkeeper pick up a ball and kick out at a striker who might have intentionally collided with him a bit too hard. What happens next is too funny to explain.

We all know that preseason results mean less than a fortune cookie, but we also know that in the slumbering offseason, clicks must still be generated.

The Arsenal-Tottenham rivalry is among the fiercest in Europe, so if you go at someone from the other side, expect some retaliation.

One Spurs fan went after Mesut Özil and his tendency to go missing in matches, but the German playmaker hit back. Hard.

If you look closely ... you can see your trophy cabinet #YaGunnersYa https://t.co/e5YCn1doDt

Imagine, for a second, that your entire being is driven by a primal urge to enter into Cristiano Ronaldo’s proximity. Try as you might, you cannot shake the feeling that your existence absolutely, positively must be acknowledged by Ronaldo, and so your feet lead you on a happy dance that constantly pulls you ever closer to the 34-year-old's orbit; damn the consequences.

This is the plight currently facing some individuals in Singapore and China, who’ve risked it all to smell the CR7 eau de toilette from its source.