Opinion

After a year away from the spotlight (unless you include Jonjo Shelvey’s ban for racially abusive language, rumors of a fallout between Rafa Benitez and the boardroom over a lack of January spending and some other stuff), Newcastle United are back in the big leagues. We know you all missed the never-ending soap opera that is Newcastle, don't pretend you didn't.

For me, August can’t come soon enough, and you should be excited too. Here are 10 reasons to be stoked over the Toon’s return to the Premier League.

We’re about a quarter of the way through the MLS regular season (some teams have played eight, some seven and some six, so who really knows) but can we safely say we’re a quarter of the way towards discovering the most oomph-inducing force in the majorest of major leagues? I think so, and, I’ve got to say, things are shaping up better than I ever could’ve imagined. 

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of the word “power” is the ability to act or produce an effect. It’s also the ability to get extra-base hits. It’s very much in that spirit that we continue on our search for which MLS stuff is most capable of turning a single into a double or most like Mark McGwire.

Wow, five straight weeks. Nobody thought we would make it this far. It’s our wooden anniversary, but you won’t find anybody celebrating around here — we’ve got some kinetic energy to investigate. 

It’s time to switch up the intro because, by now, you should know the drill. If you don’t, here’s the breakdown: the best team in MLS is still the Timber Joeys!, the worst team in MLS is now Sons By Name Of Ben. That’s the table. That’s who wins the ATL-ULTRAS-WATCH-UR-MOUTH Shield and who gets sent down to try and figure out where in the f**k Indy Eleven is.  

We’ve never understood power rankings, especially when you can just look at the standings for an official, unarguable list of who’s the best (The Timber Joeys!) and who’s the worst (Kyle Beckerman's Roving Circus of Misfits!). So, with a desire to not do something so unnecessary and redundant, but rather create a new list that makes very little sense, we present: The MLS Rankings of Power.

Every week, we’ll update this monstrosity in the hope of finding the most powerful person, place or thing in the most major of major soccer leagues. Let us continue.