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Victories, I think we can all agree, should be won on the pitch, earned through physical exertion, mental application and the expenditure of blood, sweat and tears. In no circumstances should they come via the random selection of balls by two bureaucrats in a hotel room on the 4th floor of the Hilton Malabo in Equatorial Guinea.
Alas, that’s exactly how the second qualifier from Group D in this year’s Africa Cup of Nations was decided. Having drawn all three of their respective fixtures 1-1, including against each other, Mali and Guinea had the same number of points, goals for and against, and records against one another. Representatives from each country therefore drew lots to see which team would progress to the quarterfinals, and who would be going home. Guinea came up trumps.
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All of which strikes The18 as a rather unfulfilling means of deciding a quarterfinalist. After all, Mali are now out of the competition without having lost a game, while Guinea go through without having won one.
So we’ve put our empty heads together and come up with five sure-fire alternatives to the drawing of lots, which we’ve submitted to the AFCONOC (the AFCON Organizing Committee) for their due consideration:
#1 - Medieval Jousting: Using corner flags as their lances and linesmen as their steeds, each team selects one representative for a best-of-three medieval joust-off. Usual rules apply.
#2 - Human Pyramid: The first team to construct a four-story human pyramid, and hold it for 30 seconds, wins.
#3 - Dance Off: Each side has three minutes to convince a panel of esteemed judges (Paula Abdul, Ricky Martin and Roger Milla) why their side deserves to go through, using nothing but the persuasive powers of dance. If Columbia ever ends up in this contest, watch out:
#4 - Beer Pong: No explanation needed.
#5 - Poetry Recital: The team that comes up with the haiku which best encapsulates the corrupt twattishness of Sepp Blatter both qualifies for the quarterfinals and receives a global pat on the back. Here’s a starter for 10:
Crusty, Stale old Sepp
Screwing football to the last
When will he sod off?
You can thank us later, Africa.
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