The 9 Craziest Soccer Questions People Ask Google

Ah, Google. Where any question can be asked and answered in half the time it takes to microwave pizza. If you can think it, dream it, or conceive it, you can Google it. And, thanks to Google’s auto-populating technology, you can see exactly what the people of the world desperately want to know. Which is great and equally ridiculous at the same time. Soccer is no exception. Here are nine mostly ridiculous soccer questions people ask on Google (the answers may surprise you).

9 Ridiculous Soccer Questions People Ask Google, Answered

Why does soccer exist?

Soccer is the planet’s one true hope for world peace. It brings people together from all walks of life. In a foreign country but don’t speak the language? Bring out a soccer ball and you are now best friends with everybody. Trying to relax but the kids won’t leave you alone? Give them a soccer ball, you’ll have about 90 minutes to finish that wine you’re working on. In England for the holidays visiting the in-laws who never really were convinced you were good enough for their daughter? Bring out a soccer ball. You are now basically Prince Harry. 

See, soccer solves all the world’s problems.

Why does Lionel Messi play soccer?

At this point, we know one thing to be true: Messi is an alien. Believing that Messi is of this world is comparable to believing kale tastes better than apple pie. It’s just ridiculous. And while it’s not clear what planet Messi comes from, it is clear what his mission was in coming to Earth: dominate the world’s game.

In an alternative scenario, Messi realized a pro-basketball career was probably off the table. Either way, mission complete.

What is being "nutmegged" in soccer?

This is when someone kicks the ball through someone else’s legs. It’s an act that carries some serious weight. If you nutmeg somebody else, it’s just the coolest; things couldn’t be better. If you are the one who gets nutmegged, however, it’s not uncommon to pack your bags, sell your house, and move to a deserted island for the rest of your life.

What is being "offside?"

Nobody knows. It would be easier telling somebody how accelerator physics works. In case you’re in to that, read this. Or this one about being offside.

Also, if you’re in England, never call it "offsides" (with an ‘s’). You’ll never hear the end of it.

Does Marouane Fellaini drive a Corsa?

Yes, and it’s totally great. Here’s why:

A Corsa is a European version of a Honda Accord. A Honda Accord is a car driven by practical people and 16-year-olds with over-protective parents (there are a lot of teenage Accord drivers), not superstar footballers. Also, a Corsa is small, comparable to a Prius. Marouane Fellaini, on the other hand, is not small. He stands at about 6’ 4” tall, without the hair.

Do soccer players wear underwear?

This is a tricky one. There’s almost no way to come up with anything conclusive. Not without doing some uncomfortable research, at least. However, thanks to Gennaro Gattuso (long time Italian international, and Andrea Pirlo’s right hand man), there was none of that.

Let’s discuss.

It was 2006, in Germany. Italy had just defeated France on penalty kicks to win the World Cup. They celebrated like there was no tomorrow. There was a haircut, a lot of excited hand-gesturing, and Gennaro Gattuso took his pants off.

Fair warning: the following video is equal in both strange-ness and PG-13-ness. (Underwear stuff starts around 20-seconds and ends at 30-seconds.)

It’s now quite apparent that soccer players do, in fact, wear underwear. At least Italian ones. (Players, not underwear.)

Does Clint Dempsey wear eyeliner?

Almost certainly. That steely gaze has Maybelline written all over it.

Does Dempsey wear eyeliner? You be the judge. (Photo: WikiCommons)

Does Freddy Adu still play soccer?

Most of you are probably familiar with Freddy Adu in at least some capacity. If you aren’t, don’t worry. Here’s a brief recap of his career thus far: He was touted as the next Pele from an early age; joined the MLS at 14; had considerable success as a youth international; went to Europe; moved to a cave somewhere in Siberia (presumably).

His tumultuous European career began with Portuguese powerhouse, Benfica. However, he would play just 11 games with the club. From there he played in France, Greece, Turkey, and Portugal again, often playing in the country’s second best league. Every time it was a new, fresh, exciting beginning, but every time he failed to live up to the expectations that were placed upon him. Playing time was sparse, and he looked a shadow of the player he once was. Physically the tools were still there, but mentally Adu had been torn apart. That’s not to say he hasn’t achieved some things either, because he has. But compared to the (unfair) expectations that were placed upon him, he’s grossly underachieved. 

Now, Adu is back in the States. It’s not in the MLS, though, it’s in the NASL (America’s second best league) with the Tampa Bay Rowdies. At 26, Adu will look to reignite his already decade long career. This time, from the ground up.

Can soccer goalies wear knee pads?

Simply put, yes, yes they can. However, doing so is comparable to Michael Phelps wearing floaties. It’s suggests a certain amateurish quality. That is, unless you’re playing the position and find yourself defending a 1-on-1 against Zlatan Ibrahimovic on concrete. Then by all means break out the knee pads.

How fast can Per Mertesacker run 100m?

Per Mertesacker is many things on a soccer field: an imposing aerial presence, a stout defender, and a great leader, among other things. But if there’s one thing he isn’t, it’s fast. For perspective, his sprint speed on FIFA 16 is 33  – a score that would warrant a stern phone call from mom, if he were a student at “University.” Fortunately, for Per’s sake, it’s just FIFA.

However, there are pressing real life matters that need to be resolved when it comes to the German's speed (or lack thereof). Like, how fast can he run 100 meters? Thanks to the guys at Sports Science (full disclosure: the guys at Sports Science were never contacted, nor do they have any idea this article exists...at least that we know of), we now have that answer. It’s somewhere between Usain Bolt and Jerry from accounting. Which is probably 13.93 seconds.

How does Cristiano Ronaldo stay in shape?

It’s something of a well-known fact: Cristiano Ronaldo is in above average shape. OK, he’s in great shape – more ripped up than a pair of Tony Hawk’s old jeans. It’s no wonder people want to know what his secret is. Which is now widely available, thanks to countless hours of painstaking research. It’s actually quite simple. He uses the Japanese mouth shake weight.

No more weights, so long jogging, bye-bye chicken and broccoli. With the casual use of the Japanese mouth shake weight (and probably a ridiculous amount of time spent running and lifting weights – not to mention the buckets of chicken and broccoli) you’ll have an eight-pack in no time. Go ahead and enjoy some cake (not too much, though!).