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In case you haven’t seen all the obnoxious social media posts — like the one that probably brought you to this link — it’s Halloween. And while some of you have probably had your costume picked out since Nov. 1, 2018, most of you are probably still scrambling around to think of a costume for tonight or trying to think of reasons to stay inside, shut out all the lights and pretend you’re not home. So we’ve come up with some soccer-related last-minute Halloween costume ideas for you unimaginative, cheap and lazy folks out there (our prime audience, I’m sure).
We know you don’t have money for a real costume, so we’ve got your back. The list below features 18 costumes you can pull off with little to no preparation with nothing more than objects found around the house. Remember folks, good costumes are 75 percent performance and 25 percent physical outfits (just don’t tell that to cosplayers).
The following last-minute Halloween costume ideas are inspired by Adam Sandler’s classic bits on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.
While pickle-arm isn’t exactly soccer related, we’ve taken Sandler’s ideas and morphed them into simple, cheap, last-minute Halloween costume ideas so that you can don’t feel left out on Halloween.
Soccer-Related, Cheap, Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas
Harry Kane
This one’s simple. Do absolutely nothing to your hair and keep your mouth open just the right amount the whole night like a clueless mouth-breather and you’ve got a perfect Harry Kane costume. Done.
Alex Morgan
Being the most popular U.S. soccer player is easier than you think. Just carry around a teacup (real or imaginary) with you wherever you go. Make sure you finish every statement with “and that’s the tea” while taking a sip from the cup.
Michael Bradley
Shave your head and run around without actually doing much of anything but still somehow getting to an MLS Cup final for the third time in four years and you’ve got a spot-on Michael Bradley costume.
Unai Emery
If there’s one thing Arsenal coach Unai Emery is known for — and it’s not coaching soccer — it’s saying “Good ebening” before press conferences, because the letter V is apparently too vile for the Spaniard. So go as the Gunners boss (at least until he’s canned) by telling everyone “Good ebening.”
Jurgen Klopp
If you just want to get wasted tonight, put on some glasses and tell everyone you’re Jurgen Klopp. The Liverpool coach is a party animal and your excuse to drink all night long.
Dick In A Soccer Ball
Step 1: Cut a hole in a soccer ball.
Step 2: Put your junk in the ball.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit
Everyone knows the best SNL sketch of the last 20 years was “Dick in a Box,” so spoof the classic Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg bit by changing it to “Dick in a Soccer Ball.” You’ll be the hit of the party, at least until the cops show up.
Tottenham Trophy Case
Spurs’ summer signings getting a tour of the stadium pic.twitter.com/QSuHW5LQBE
— Simpsons Arsenal (@SimpsonsArsenal) August 29, 2019
Tottenham hasn’t won a meaningful trophy in about three decades, so if you show up to a Halloween party without a costume, just say you’re going as a Spurs trophy cabinet. Your costume will be as real as anything Tottenham has won recently.
Arjen Robben
He may have retired, but he’s not gone from our hearts. To go as Arjen Robben, just lie on the ground and writhe in pain all night like a Mexico defender just breathed on you. Bonus points if you shave your head.
Megan Rapinoe
Some costumes are more in the attitude than the appearance. To be Megan Rapinoe for Halloween, you could dye your hair pink/purple/whatever that is, or you can just be yourself while simultaneously pissing off conservatives who disagree with your free speech.
Shouty Taylor Twellman
No foul?! No penalty kicks given last night?! #MLSCupPlayoffs pic.twitter.com/sFwUU6fTYe
— Taylor Twellman (@TaylorTwellman) October 31, 2019
All you gotta do to be Taylor Twellman is get an exclamation mark and a question mark (either print it out or draw it on some paper) and then hold it up after everything you say. Then you’ll be just like the ESPN broadcaster, who ends every Twitter statement with a “?!” for some reason.
Ref Who Makes Everyone Go Deaf
Everyone hates that referee who has no sense of personal space and blows his or her whistle right in your ear. So go as that ref for Halloween by whistling in everyone’s face. If you’ve got a whistle, great; if not, that’s fine, as long as you know how to whistle. Or you could improvise and just yell “TWEET” at everyone, but some people might think you’re just trying to be Donald Trump. Note: This isn’t a great option if you want to make friends.
Peter Crouch
This one could get you into trouble if you’re going to a party. By telling dad jokes and doing the robot dance all night, you might have trouble keeping the ladies off you. Just be careful if you decide to use stilts — don’t drink and stilt-walk.
The “It’s Football, Not Soccer” Guy
There’s no one scarier to encounter at a party than a Euro snob who insists on calling it football and demeans anyone who uses the word soccer.
VAR Signal Man
Everyone’s favorite part of soccer nowadays is when the referee signals that the Video Assistant Referee is getting involved. So bring that joy to life as a referee who’s constantly signaling for VAR. All you have to do is create imaginary boxes with your arms all night.
Overly Positive Soccer Parent
The Miguel Almiron Newcastle Experiencepic.twitter.com/q5WPjTrnqH
— The18 (@the18com) October 30, 2019
Going to a Halloween party with a date? Pretend to be their overbearing soccer parent, complete with orange slices. Encourage every little thing they do. Are they going to get a drink? Make sure they remember to open the fridge door. And when they mess up, pretend it’s OK — if they spill, tell them good job, the carpet needed a wine stain there anyway.
(But seriously, I hate that parent who yelled “Good job Olivia” after she blatantly broke the rules.)
Kylian Mbappé
It’s 11:30 p.m. and you still haven’t figured out a costume? Go as Kylian Mbappé. No one finishes quicker than Mbappé, so just finish really fast in the bedroom and pretend you’re PSG’s 20-year-old phenom.
Alexi Lalas
The day is young. https://t.co/mXPAz4rjIA
— Alexi Lalas (@AlexiLalas) October 31, 2019
In the same vein as Megan Rapinoe, this costume is all about attitude and performance. Sure you could dye your hair that awful shade of red, but it’s much easier to just be insanely combative about every little thing someone says to you. Someone says “Pass the candy” to you? Ask if it would be better for them to learn to get the candy for themselves. Kids knock on the door and say “Trick or Treat?” Ask them if they’ve considered the ramifications of living off of handouts. Really, just act like the obnoxious uncle who likes to debate politics at Thanksgiving without having any actual clue as to what’s going on and no facts to back up any arguments — but still having the smugness of a guy who's won six Nobel Prizes in chemistry.
NWSL Best XI
The easiest one of all the last-minute Halloween costume ideas. To be on the NWSL Best XI, because there’s no rhyme or reason to the list, you can be anyone you damn well please. As long as it’s not Debinha.
(H/T to Connor Fleming, Mariel McCown and Fletcher Ryan for some of these last-minute Halloween costume ideas. Fletcher deserves all credit/blame for Dick in a Soccer Ball.)
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