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Okay, before we get started here, put this song on. It's a jam.
Okay, now you’re in the zone.
Are you tired of that one friend who ruins soccer spectating? You know the one, the person that constantly complains about a lack of scoring and sees the low accumulation of point totals as some kind of irrefutable condemnation of the sport. Yeah, that jagoff.
Isn’t there some way we can placate them so that they don’t continue to ruin our lives every single goddamn day? Now there is, because we’ve figured out a way to turn soccer into Tony Hawk's Pro Skater for the Nintendo 64, and I’ve never met a single person in my life that didn’t love Tony Hawk, not a single one.
There’s mad points in the newly minted Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater — like tens of thousands — so that idiot friend of yours will spend all match hopelessly scribbling away the point accumulations while deriving some kind of sick joy from how high they go.
This is roughly how Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater works. I think I’m forgetting some things, but I really don’t care.
- Kick flip (pass) — 100 points
- Heel flip (back heel) - 100 points
- 360 shove it (Zidane turn) - 250 points
- The 900 (goalazo) - 8,000 points
- Crooked Grind (tackle) - 150 points
- Stalefish (corner) - 315 points
- Japan Air (yellow card) - 367 points
- Somi Spin (red card) - 500 points
- Varial (shot) - 800 points
- Judo Madonna (shot on target) - 1500 points
- Benihana (save) - 420 points
- 50-50 Grind (foul) - 25 points
- Board slide (dribble) - 100 points
Yeah, teams get awarded points for fouls, yellows and reds because this game is for gnarly shredders. These are the actual point numbers from the original Tony Hawk game so this system is flawless and beyond criticism.
Okay, let’s play a round of Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater.
Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater
*Press Start*
Wednesday’s scoreless encounter between Barcelona and Juventus will work perfectly for our first run — it was an amazing match, but you’re idiot friend probably thought "Where are all the points, fam?"
If they'd been playing Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater they'd be singing a different tune.
Barcelona
Tony Messi with the Christ Air.
- 19 shots = 15,200 points
- 1 shot on target = 1,500
- 490 passes = 49,000 (nice)
- 23 tackles = 3,450
- 13 corners = 4,095
- 4 saves = 1,680
- 10 fouls = 250
- 2 yellow cards = 734
- 23 dribbles = 2,300
Okay, so that’s 78,209 points for Barcelona. That’s pretty good maybe. Let’s see how Juve gnared.
Juventus
Paulo Hawk and Tony Cuadrado with head grinds.
- 12 shots = 9,600 points
- 4 shots on target = 6,000
- 236 passes = 23,600
- 32 tackles = 4,800
- 4 corners = 1,260 points
- 1 save = 420 points
- 19 fouls = 475
- 2 yellow cards = 734
- 13 dribbles = 1,300
Juventus scored 48,189 points so that’s a pretty bad shred sesh from them, but you’re doofus friend just watched a 78,209 - 48,189 barn burner. He loves Tony Hawk's Pro Soccer Skater, he’ll be up at 5 AM to watch Premier League matches, screaming “Nice crooked grind! Have a varial from there! Where’s Bob Burnquist?!”
I still need to figure out how to incorporate collecting the “SKATE” letters in soccer, but I’m confident that it’ll be a decision rooted in the hard-core. Until then, print this article out, put on your Soap shoes and channel your inner Bam Margera.
Oh, I forgot the biggest rule: no posers.
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