How To Play Like Zlatan Ibrahimovic

He's one of the world's most talented and outspoken footballers. Deep down, everyone just wants to play and act a little more like Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Here are eight steps that will allow you to play like the Swedish captain. 

How To Play Like Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Step #1: Before even touching a football, dedicate your time to earning a black-belt in taekwondo. This will enable you to score ridiculous kung fu-style goals and kick both opponents and teammates up the a**.  

Step #2: Alright, now it’s time to really train. Or is it? That’s really up to you. Let's put training on the back burner for now. 

Step #3: With training on hold, it’s time to go hunting. Hunting is the one time you can be yourself, a private domain where not even the animals will recognize you and ask for an autograph. That's because they are ignorant savages.

Step #4: Great job out there, shooter. Like a slightly oversized Oguchi Onyewu, that 500 pound moose didn't stand a chance. Time to go on holiday. If this worries your colleagues, if they find it unprofessional, tell those wet nips tough luck. You don’t give a s***. Anything that occurs in your absence is like a tree falling in a forest, it has absolutely no impact on anything whatsoever.  

Step #5: If you need to tryout for your club in order to finally begin playing, don’t. As the great man once said, “Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.” If a little club like Arsenal F.C. want to see you in action first, tell them to piss off.

Step #6: If you're starting to wonder if these instructions are actually beneficial, don’t ever philosophize. Philosophy is the practice of the bald and castrated . Your mental preparation should follow a more robust train of thought: You’re a Ferrari and everyone around you is simply a Fiat. Defenders will try to put you off because they’re weak and you’re strong. You don’t owe anyone anything because you’ve given them the greatest gift of all: yourself. 

Step #7: It’s almost time to actually kick a football, but first, let’s say a little prayer for guidance. Repeat after me: Dear (insert your own name here), thank you for making me in the mirror image of your own perfection. Thank you, (insert your own name here), I love you. Amen.  

Step #8: Finally, it’s time to play. Unfortunately, there can only ever be one Zlatan. This entire exercise has been giant waste of time. You are now some sort of manic egomaniac with a worthless skill set.