Robert Lewandowski is the most clinical striker in men’s football right now. Give him half a chance and he’ll bury it. Give him three of the easiest chances in the world and he’ll have an 11-minute hat trick. He’ll even score one with his crotch, because why not?
Bayern Munich scored four first-half goals — three by Lewandowski — on the way to a 7-1 win over RB Salzburg to advance to the Champions League quarterfinals 8-2 on aggregate on Tuesday in Munich.
Aside from triggering Brazil fans, the 7-1 score line was Salzburg’s worst-ever defeat in Europe, surpassing the 6-2 loss suffered last season against, you guessed it, Europe’s big bully, Bayern Munich.
Salzburg’s Maximilian Wöber had himself a nightmare of a match. The 24-year-old Austrian center back fouled Lewandowski in the box twice in the opening 20 minutes and then was nowhere to be found defensively when Lewandowski completed a hat trick moments later.
Worst of all, after conceding the first penalty Wöber had some disgusting mucus on his chin, clearly dumbfounded against the Bavarian blitz Salzburg couldn’t contain.
Robert Lewandowski Hat Trick vs Salzburg
Tuesday’s match started off with a bang, both teams nearly scoring in the opening five minutes. Bayern’s chance looked like one of those FIFA plays where every player has a 99 rating, a trio of passes pinged around in impossibly perfect fashion before Lewandowski had his shot saved by Philipp Köhn. Moments later Nicolás Capaldo’s shot from near the penalty spot was deflected wide.
Then began Wöber’s woeful day.
In the 10th minute following a superb turn from Lewandowski, Wöber felt his best option was to go all in and hope for the best, conceding a penalty in the process. In his defense, Lewandowski was probably about to score and he didn’t even pick up a yellow card for the offense, so it wasn’t a horrible decision, even if Lewandowski buried the penalty kick with ease.
Robert Lewandowski becomes the first player in Europe's top 5 leagues to score 40 goals across all comps this season. pic.twitter.com/Cctm7suFWg
— CBS Sports Golazo ⚽️ (@CBSSportsGolazo) March 8, 2022
Less than 10 minutes later, Wöber again fouled Lewandowski, this time on the edge of the 18. The referee initially ruled the foul was outside of the box, probably out of sympathy, but the VAR intervened and awarded a penalty. Lewandowski again sent Köhn the wrong way to make it 2-0.
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!Doblete de Robert Lewandoswki, nuevamente vía penal¡En vivo! https://t.co/kjcz7hl0VD
TUDN #TuChampions | #UCL pic.twitter.com/XC8HJlm8p3
— TUDN USA (@TUDNUSA) March 8, 2022
A mere two minutes after that, Lewandowski had his hat trick.
Instead of converting from the spot, Lewandowski switched things up by scoring with his crotch. After some shockingly relaxed defending (and Wöber once again failing to do anything good), the ball caromed off post giving the Polish striker all the time in the world to put the ball into the back of the net.
Robert Lewandowski scores his fifth #UCL hat-trick in just 23 minutes. pic.twitter.com/vTvqZURH0O
— CBS Sports Golazo ⚽️ (@CBSSportsGolazo) March 8, 2022
With a three-goal advantage the Round of 16 tie was all but over at 4-1 on aggregate, but Bayern wasn’t done.
Serge Gnabry made it 4-0 in just over half an hour.
Serge Gnabry makes it 4 inside 31 minutes. pic.twitter.com/2D8sGyMGH4
— CBS Sports Golazo ⚽️ (@CBSSportsGolazo) March 8, 2022
By halftime, the only question left to answer was which sexy young manager wore his turtleneck better. (Both Julian Nagelsmann and Matthias Jaissle are younger than their respective Bayern and Salzburg captains.)
At halftime, Jaissle took off a center back, but mercilessly not Wöber but his center-back partner Oumar Solet. Neither Wöber nor Solet’s replacement, Kamil Piatkowski, came anywhere close to Thomas Müller when he scored Bayern’s fifth of the match less than 10 minutes into the second half.
The turn. The finish. The celebration. Thomas Muller was feeling it. pic.twitter.com/80j4DuZOrw
— CBS Sports Golazo ⚽️ (@CBSSportsGolazo) March 8, 2022
At this point we should mention American attacking midfielder Brenden Aaronson started the match and spent a lot of time watching his defenders pick the ball out of their own net. The Medford Messi was superb in the first leg, creating five chances and assisting on one goal in the 1-1 draw in Salzburg.
With his eighth start in the Champions League, Aaronson tied a record set by Jermaine Jones for most by an American in a single season. He won’t get a chance to break the record.
8 - Brenden Aaronson is making his eighth start for @RedBullSalzburg in this season's #UCL, equaling @Jermainejunior's 2007-08 total for most starts by an American in a single #UCL season. Automatic. pic.twitter.com/fauTnxlrLd
— OptaJack⚽️ (@OptaJack) March 8, 2022
Aaronson set up Salzburg’s only goal, wonderfully taking the ball from his own half before laying it off for Maurits Kjaergaard to hammer home for a nice consolation.
Brenden Aaronson Maurits Kjaergaard pic.twitter.com/GjptOiRuSa
— CBS Sports Golazo ⚽️ (@CBSSportsGolazo) March 8, 2022
Alas, Bayern restored its five-goal advantage when Müller tallied his second and moments later Leroy Sané completed the destruction after Salzburg failed to play out of the back.
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!De Sané para Müller y la mandó guardar ¡6-1! ⚽¡En vivo! https://t.co/kjcz7hl0VD
TUDN #TuChampions | #UCL pic.twitter.com/yiwbZ7kEJs
— TUDN USA (@TUDNUSA) March 8, 2022
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!
⚽ ¡Goooool de @FCBayern!Asistencia con el 'taco' de Lewandowski y Sané firma el 7-1 ⚽¡En vivo! https://t.co/kjcz7hl0VD
TUDN #TuChampions | #UCL pic.twitter.com/tBmr6q3Uqz
— TUDN USA (@TUDNUSA) March 8, 2022