To say that Marc Wilmots underperformed as Belgium manager at Euro 2016 is akin to saying the USA men’s basketball team was off the pace at the 2006 Olympics or that the Republican Party hasn’t put their best foot forward for the 2016 presidential election. Wilmots screwed the pooch.
The Belgian manager could draw from the likes of Kevin De Bruyne, Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku, Jan Vertonghen, Thibaut Courtois and Christian Benteke, but, after emerging from group play and being drawn into the weaker half of the round of 16 bracket, the Red Devils were destroyed by Wales in the quarter-finals.
"Romelu, why wasn't I invited to the party tonight?!" Photo: @GoalUK | Twitter
Wilmots was given his marching orders, and the Royal Belgian Football Association immediately went about finding his successor. As befits great hiring practices, they wanted to draw from the largest pool of candidates possible so they posted a job advert for the role on their website.
That's right, the Royal Belgian Football Association is taking the Craigslist approach.
The requirements for coaching Belgium. Photo: @UNILADFooty | Twitter
Candidates, who must be strong and open communicators while operating in an existing structure, were encouraged to contact Chris Van Puyvelde via email.
Say no more. The18’s about more than just media, news and publishing, we’ve got a proven track record in transmitting tactical knowledge to top level players. . .possibly. The only stumbling block might be that bit about being strong and open communicators.
Now, this wasn’t my first job hunting rodeo so I quickly connected with Mr. Van Puyvelde on LinkedIn. For those of you that don’t know, LinkedIn is like the Tinder of business professionalism. It’s full of people with their heads so far up their own backsides that the only connections made are to the detriment of the human race.
But Mr. Van Puyvelde and I connected. I wanted to learn how to rub this man the right way, if you know what I mean, so I took a quick look at his work experience, skills and interests.
He’s the top consultant of the RBFA. Got it.
His “main results” are “77 european games, 4x Champions League, 3 championships”. Okay, I can dig it.
He enjoys “reading, fishing, cooking, running, music and playing the guitar.” I’m as good as in.
Research done, it was time to pen my application.
Our Application For The Role Of Belgium National Team Manager
Dear Mr. Van Puyvelde,
Or can I call you Mr. VP? I assume that as our relationship grows, I can come up with an assortment of nicknames for you (e.g. Sweet Van Poovy, Mr. Van Tha Man or Chris Van Kringle), and that there’ll be a natural progression of addresses and secret handshakes. However, you will always refer to me as Mr. Fleming. I’m the boss, and I can’t have someone like Radja Nainggolan thinking it’s okay to get all buddy-buddy with me.
In fact, I think I’ll drop Radja. I believe in man management and establishing myself as the ‘Law and Order’ coach, but that dude scares me. I don’t even think he’s Belgian — I think he’s from Street Fighter.
Street Fighter boss Radja Nainggolan. Photo: @DExpress_Sport | Twitter
Anyway, a little about myself. Thanks to changes in the United States coaching system, I was able to obtain a National F license through the online U.S. Soccer Digital Coaching Center. It took about two hours and allows me to create “a fun, activity-centered and age-appropriate environment for 5-8 year old players.”
In other words, I’m going to be the one to reinvigorate Eden Hazard’s career.
I’ve spent a bit of time in Brussels, primarily at Brussels Central Railway Station, and I know a lot about the ways of the Belgians.
When I’m in Belgium I eat the pannekoeken. I believe it to be a superior form of pancake, particularly when slices of bacon are included in the mix.
Where you'll find me as Belgium manager. Photo: @OaksAndCoulter | Twitter
If I were to be named manager of Belgium, I would make a concerted effort to learn even more about the country. I would spend the first few months in an abbey brewery, maybe Chimay or Duvel — I’ll let you decide the particulars, Mr. VP.
As for the football, I spent last night playing FIFA 16 and, let me tell you, it was one triumph after the next. Both West Ham United and Club America fell by the wayside to our new and improved 3-5-2 formation.
It’s difficult to fit De Bruyne, Hazard, Nainggolan, Lukaku, Dembele, Kums, Mertens, Benteke, Witsel and Fellaini into the same lineup, but it can be done. We simply need to make sacrifices on the defensive side of the ball.
However, I believe the best form of defense to be a relentless attack. Combining the nuances of Spanish tiki-taka, Brazilian samba, Dutch total football and Germany efficiency, we’ll not only reinvent the wheel, metaphorically we’ll blow the whole thing up and replace it with a modern day hover car.
I’d also like to scour the United States for anyone of even dubious Belgian descent who can put on the Red Devil shirt. Learning new languages comes difficult to me. I don’t expect I’ll learn Dutch, French or German during any point of the 10-year contract you’ll offer me to cover the next 3 World Cups.
This shouldn't be a problem. It’d be nice to have some English speakers in the squad so I can get my point across.
In conclusion, I’m very happy to be on board. This is a great opportunity for Belgium to grow and learn from me.
Eendracht maakt macht,
Connor Fleming
Follow me on Twitter: @ConmanFleming
