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For those of you who are interested in dating the man who just won the Ballon d’Or, we have some tips for you. Let’s be honest, you need all the help that you can get.
Do we know Cristiano on a personal level? No. Should that matter? Yes. But, lucky for you, we have used our amazing powers of perception and intuition to come up with 7 things that can help you win the heart of Ron-Ron the Goal Scoring Machine.
As is most often the case, the best place to start is with what must happen first.
1: Ronaldo Has To Be Single
Photo: FOXSoccer | Twitter
Well aren’t you just the luckiest person in the world? As of Tuesday January 20th, Ronaldo has officially broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years, Russian supermodel Irina Shayk. Rumor has it he is already seeing someone else, but that’s hardly a ball and chain now is it?
2: Work On Your Fitness
Photo: ShaheerPoojaNet | Twitter
Let’s not mince words here. Cristiano Ronaldo is really, really, ridiculously good looking, and he likes to date really, really, ridiculously good looking people. His past girlfriends include the aforementioned Irina Shayk, Alice Goodwin, and Gemma Atkinson. Not exactly your mother’s book club, are they?
Nothing to look at here. Photos: Daily Mail | 247 Sports | p2e.mobi
Even if you are lucky enough to be born as a very, very good looking person, Ronaldo doesn’t come across as someone who settles, nor as someone who is attracted to those who do. So, even if you don't come close to looking like a supermodel, or weren't born with a face and body chiseled like a Greek god, you need to start working out. He’ll respect your ambition.
3: Get Along With His Mom
Ronaldo and his mother, Maria, at the Ballon d'or ceremony. Photo: MixedRaceAkh | Twitter
Contrary to the belief held by many that Ronaldo cares for no one but himself, Ronaldo’s family is extremely important to him. Especially his mother, Maria Dolores dos Santos Aveiro.
Ronaldo’s father was an alcoholic that abandoned the family when Ronaldo was young, so it was Maria that was responsible for raising him. She fostered his interest in soccer, and look at where it has led him.
It was, reportedly, Ms. Shayk’s refusal to go to Mama ‘Naldo’s birthday party that initiated the fracture between the superstar and supermodel. So if you ever get to an opportunity to meet Maria, you better take it, and make the most of it.
4: Know Your Way Around Fashion
Photo: TangyTigeress | Twitter
We’re not saying you have to have a PhD in cosmetology and be a freelance writer for GQ in order to date the man, but it would help.
The thing that changes most about Ronaldo is his hair. He likes to keep it trendy, good looking, and usually full of hair gel. Maybe you could recommend his new favorite brand. It might just be the best way to get on the fast track to his heart.
Plus, he spends a rumored $9,000 a month on clothing. He probably has a perfectly good fashion sense of his own, but we are willing to bet he would appreciate a second expert whose opinion he respects.
We also think it’s safe to say that if you get good enough at decking Ronaldo out in the finest of the fine, he might just splurge another $9,000 on you.
6: Know Multiple Languages
Photo: socialQTS | Twitter
Ronaldo is nothing if not a traveller. His profession demands it. There are Champions League games during the fall and the Spring, exhibition matches over the Summer and Winter, and international tournaments everywhere in between. Just in 2014, Ronaldo travelled to Germany, the United States, Brazil, Portugal, and of course Spain, just to name a few.
The rest of his playing years are sure to be no different, so if you want to keep up with Cristiano, we suggest that you brush up on your Spanish, Portuguese, German, Italian, and French. You know, just to cover all of the basics.
The last thing you want is to walk up to the Ronaldo residence, be greeted by his mother in Portuguese, and respond with “Si, muy bien. Como estas?” Not that you would be misunderstood - Maria probably understands that ubiquitous Spanish phrase — you would just look like an idiot.
7: Be Comfortable Being Surrounded By Wealth And Power
Don't ask us why anyone would need two watches. Photo: thisisamans.world | Instagram
Your knowledge of the world’s languages will really come in handy during the countless times that you and Ronaldo will undoubtedly meet the rich and powerful of the world. He is arguably the most valuable asset in soccer (well, with the potential exception of Lionel Messi who is reportedly worth a measly $104 million more), and you can imagine what kind of attention that would bring.
We are talking Kings, Queens, various other members of royal families, Presidents, Prime Ministers, CEOs, investors, board members, old money, new money, illegal money and, of course, the biggest names in the world of soccer.
That is not exactly a crowd you want to whip out the awkward turtle around.
The opportunities that walk in and out of Ronaldo’s life are probably too numerous for one person to keep up with. That’s part of the reason why Ronaldo has an agent. Keep in mind that your ability to mingle with the who’s who of the who’s who is not just for the benefit of Ronaldo. We don’t care what your interests are, it is more likely than not that you will encounter someone that can help you in someway with just about anything.
Again, Ronaldo respects ambition. His last partnership with supermodel Irina Shayk was a power couple that rivaled Jay-Z and Beyonce in status, if not likability. What will your half of the next power couple bring to the table?
So, putting all of these tips together, we have given you something to work with. Granted, you still need to meet the man, and we have absolutely no valid advice when it comes to that. Find out what clubs he goes to? His favorite restaurant maybe? Try and befriend his mother first?
Whatever the best way enda up being, you better get more inventive than eHarmony or love letters.
Since his break up, he’s probably getting those by the pound.
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