Have you ever wanted to watch the story of Space Jam play out in real life? You know, Michael Jordan getting recruited to elevate the play of a motley assembled group of enthusiastic but extremely limited characters?
That's the narrative viewers worldwide are about to experience on Apple TV's MLS Season Pass as Lionel Messi joins Inter Miami — 27th-place in a 29-team league — at the halfway stage of the campaign.
Messi is the seven-time Ballon d'Or winner. Miami's season is best encapsulated by Phil Neville getting fired June 2 after a 1-0 home defeat to RBNY; his final action was bringing on his own son (a defender) in the 90th-minute and getting roundly booed by DRV PNK Stadium. That's football heritage.
So who are Messi's new teammates in Vice City and what makes them click? This guide should help to answer both questions.
Meet Lionel Messi's teammates at Inter Miami, the Herons
Who is he? Josef Martínez, former god of Atlanta turned mere mortal of Miami.
What position does he play? Pretty much only spot-kick specialist at this point.
What are his strengths? A badass goal celebration.
What are his weaknesses? Knee cartilage like Vince Carter's.
Who is he? DeAndre Yedlin, big backer of Gregg Berhalter.
What position does he play? Graduate of the Rafa Benítez School of Right Back.
What are his strengths? 87 acceleration and sprint speed in FIFA 23.
What are his weaknesses? Started a book club at Inter Miami and also once played for Spurs.
Who is he? Harvey Neville, the ex-coach's son.
What position does he play? Nepo back.
What are his strengths? Family connections.
What are his weaknesses? The sport.
Who is he? Rodolfo Pizarro, the man who was supposed to be Messi in Miami before Messi in Miami.
What position does he play? Languid presence.
What are his strengths? Making over $3 million every year with very few responsibilities.
What are his weaknesses? Having his contract bought out to make way for Messi's friends.
Who is he? Drake Callender, a legal studies major at UC Berkeley.
What position does he play? Retrieves the ball from the back of Inter's net.
What are his strengths? An impossibly cool name.
What are his weaknesses? It's little known but his middle name is just "Steven."
Who is he? Romeo Beckham, the owner's son.
What position does he play? Content creator for the DailyMail.
What are his strengths? One of the greatest players in the one-year history of MLS NEXT Pro.
What are his weaknesses? Would rather abandon the team to spend time with his girlfriend Mia Regan than be player No. 30 on the roster, and let's be honest, he's making the right choice.
Who is he? Corentin Jean, a Frenchman (Messi's won't like that).
What position does he play? Right wing (Messi will take great joy from benching him).
What are his strengths? Hopefully a good agent.
What are his weaknesses? Playing in Messi's position.
Who is he? Nicolás Stefanelli, an Argentine who's ready to make a friend.
What position does he play? Hoping to be the next Rodrigo De Paul.
What are his strengths? Having Albiceleste manager Lionel Scaloni suddenly watching all your games is pretty epic.
What are his weaknesses? With one goal in 16 games, he might not be ready to seize the moment.
Who is he? Leonardo Campana, the closest thing Miami have got to a Neymar.
What position does he play? The one that allows him to be part of a catchy acronym for the front line, like 'MSN' or 'MNM.'
What are his strengths? He played for Barcelona (the one in Ecuador) so that has to count for something.
What are his weaknesses? Butt chin.
