Europe

There have been a litany of awesome players in the UEFA Champions League down the years, so much so that creating an Ultimate XI is a task that could, in theory, drive one to madness. 

After today's Atletico Madrid vs Real Madrid derby, many of you may be asking, "Exactly how many hat-tricks does Cristiano Ronaldo have?"

You may also be asking, "Can anyone else score for Real Madrid?"

The answer to these questions is, respectively, a sh*t ton and no. To put it in perspective, Ronaldo is scoring hat-tricks at the same rate at which I consume breakfast sandwiches. Which is to say, very frequently.

Here's how it breaks down.

We haven't seen this much magic since J.K. Rowling wrapped up her 7-book series.

In a stunning last-minute victory, Tottenham scored two goals in four minutes to steal three points from West Ham in today's London Derby.

To be fair, it was two different Harrys who left West Ham standing around, stunned, looking like a bunch of muggles at the end of the match. 

In the early minutes of the second half, it was 20-year-old Harry Winks who created some magic as he put away his first Premier League goal in his Premier League debut:

Radamel Falcao used to be the most feared striker in the world. That's not an exaggeration. At the height of his powers, he was feared more than Suarez, more than Lewandowski and more than Benzema.

In his last season at Atletico Madrid, the Colombian scored 28 goals in 34 appearances. In fact, he ranked right behind Messi and Ronaldo as one of the best players on the planet.

Just check out Falcao's stats below.

Radamel Falcao's stats:

Bastian Schweinsteiger is not having a good year. We think. It's hard to be sure. We haven't seen much of him, really. Schweimsteiger hasn't appeared for Manchester United yet this season, and most people don't think that'll change.

Bastian Schweinsteiger, though, isn't most people. He's Bastian Schweinsteiger, and he's ready for action whenever Jose Mourinho needs him.

From ESPNFC:

Steven Gerrard, 36, made it clear at the beginning of 2016 that it would likely be his last year as a player. That statement is now on the verge of coming true. 

His contract with the Galaxy is up, and he’s announced that his MLS career is over. Gerrard, the former captain of Liverpool, has always been a larger than life figure. He could always be counted on to deliver at clutch moments, but he’s also been hindered by a sporting egotism that often left supporters feeling let down.

Mario Balotelli has threatened to do the unthinkable if his new team, Nice, win France's Ligue 1: fly a helicopter over the city.

Nice are first in the French league right now, due in part to Balotelli's return to goal-scoring form. Balotelli isn't just content with scoring goals and winning, though. He wants to plunge the world into chaos.

Here's the quote, from Mediaset (bolding ours):

OK, so here's what happened: Wayne Rooney got a night off from England duty after the Three Lions beat Scotland, and he ended up at a wedding reception where he was photographed looking like a very drunk person and also he reportedly played the piano nonsensically.

He is sorry.

Wayne Rooney gatecrashes a wedding in severe drunk condition.. Guests SHOCKED!
https://t.co/CAgBJttpzN pic.twitter.com/6Ad9XsaH8C

Dating back to December of 2004, it’s been a miserly stretch of 13 games for Arsene Wenger against his old nemesis, Jose Mourinho. It’s not just the inability to defeat the former Chelsea manager that must irk Wenger, but the style with which Mourinho has gone about stymying his Arsenal sides.

With 167 caps, Gianluigi Buffon has matched Spain’s Iker Casillas as Europe’s most capped international player of all time. This marks a major milestone for the Italian legend, but it isn’t necessarily unexpected.

Buffon, affectionately nicknamed Gigi, began his professional career with Parma in 1995 at the tender age of 17 and almost immediately became a household name. He was called up to the national team in 1997 and went to his first of many World Cups just a year later, in 1998 at the age of 20.