Humor

The best party is the one that sneaks up on you like a Jay Rodriguez goal in the 73rd minute. West Brom 1, Man United nil. Sheikh Mansour and the rest of Man City ownership were on cloud nine.

I was on my hands and knees inside a walk-in freezer 40,000 feet above sea level, searching for a cake that never had a good chance of being consumed. 

Until Rodriguez struck, West Brom parked the bus and the stomach grumbles of UAE's dignitaries called for an ice cream cake frosted City blue. 

We'll say this about Russia: It has established a brand and executed a plan to grow the brand into something world-renowned and maintained the brand very well.

What is Russia's brand you ask? Oh, you already know. "Crazy stuff happens here." "It's like if Florida was cold and a country." "Anything can happen at any time and everyone is miserable."

Here it is, the most fitting visual representation of Monday you’ll ever find. Friday was all smiles, cheers and waves (especially if you just touched down in Nashville to celebrate a bachelor party), and then Monday violently appeared only moments later — blasting you in the face with a jet stream of tepid sewage water. 

You were lost in the sauce, but now it’s time to wake up and reap what’ve you’ve sown. Monday's coming in hot. 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, you've heard about Roma’s fantastic comeback against Barcelona.

The first leg of the Champions League quarter-final matchup saw Barcelona beat the Italian side 4-1 at the Camp Nou, and just about every man and their dog thought that was going to be it. No one gave Roma a chance in the second leg, but they did what many people believed to be impossible: defeated the Catalan giants 3-0 at the Stadio Olimpico to shock the world and book their place in the semi-finals of the Champions League.

Luis Suarez is having a time of it this season, and we think it might be time for him to try something new.

One goal in 10 Champions League appearances just isn't going to cut it for Barcelona (his record is much better in La Liga, to be fair), so Suarez should cut his losses now and retire from soccer to fulfill his destiny as the third property brother.

Tell me with a straight face Lucho shouldn't be sitting in a chair next to these two talking about how biting people affected his career in real estate. You can't.

Clearly Gianluigi Buffon is not the biggest fan of Michael Oliver right now. The English referee sent the Italian goalkeeper off at the end of extra time during the Juventus-Real Madrid Champions League match Wednesday, after Buffon vehemently disagreed with a penalty Oliver gave. Juventus were eliminated after Cristiano Ronaldo converted the penalty.

Here's what Buffon said after the match:

Cristiano Ronaldo is an inspiration to 30-somethings everywhere. He shows us that despite no longer being the target market and despite no contemporary pop songs being written about our nightly hijinks (“I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 33” just sounds sad), we are still human people. We are still capable of launching ourselves towards the heavens like a SpaceX rocket before getting one over on those nasty, garbage bin 40-somethings in goal.

Four minutes and 32 seconds elapsed from the time referee Michael Oliver pointed to the spot to the moment the ball struck the back of the net from the force of another epic Cristiano Ronaldo penalty kick.