Humor

All footballers aspire to see their likeness in the FIFA videogame. The best aspire to be on the cover of FIFA. The Zlatan aspires to make his own damn game. 

Zlatan Legends, developed by Isbit Games, was released Thursday on the Apple App Store worldwide to critical acclaim — well, acclaim. Created in the likeness of legendary Swede Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the game has you kick a ball around a course as fast as you can. 

Essentially it’s a soccer/racing game/endless runner hybrid with an intergalactic space milieu. If that’s not Zlatan, I don’t know what is. 

Before Pep Guardiola came down from the mountaintop proclaiming the new age of the 4-3-3 with attacking width providing by the wide defenders, nobody knew what a full back was. Sure, Roberto Carlos once struck a football so hard that we all admitted their existence, but that was all anyone knew about the position. What did they do? Why were they there? It was hard to know and even harder to explain.

Manchester United have reportedly offered Zlatan Ibrahimovic a contract to play for them when he's done rehabilitating the knee injury he suffered at the end of last season, with an eye toward a transition to a coaching role.

True greatness knows no boundaries. It cannot be confined to the lines of a soccer field. It can appear anywhere: in a Rio de Janeiro favela, a dusty African village or an elite European academy.

OR, on a boat, anchored somewhere idyllic, surrounded by other boats. Francesco Totti graced the pitch professionally for more than 20 years and, now retired, needs an outlet for his incredible passing skills. Thus, boats.

Liverpool are horrible at defending set pieces. I don’t have any facts or figures to back up that statement, but every commentator says the same thing and I don’t see them pointing to any evidence. It’s just accepted that, like every other team on the planet, they cannot defend a great set piece.

Portland Timbers fans will be crushed to hear that the hipster-est football hipster in the known universe has been discovered, and he wasn't found at Providence Park.

Rather, the most hipster man in football was spotted at Estadio Corona on Sunday at Santos Laguna's clash with Veracruz. Bask in this man's ironic glory:

Cristiano Ronaldo is an incredible footballer, blessed with size, speed, strength, foot skiils and awareness that would be the envy of pretty much anyone. Luis Suarez is also blessed in all these categories, just not as much as Ronaldo.

There is one skill, though, in which Ronaldo will never match Suarez's unbelievable talent: acting.

Ronaldo and Suarez each attempted dives during Sunday's Spanish Super Copa first leg. Suarez won a penalty (which Lionel Messi converted), but Ronaldo was given his second yellow card and dismissed from the match.

So what went wrong?