Humor

It was pissing down snow in Hannover today, particularly at HDI-Arena, which has a much better name sans sponsorship: the Niedersachsenstadion. Hannover 96, staring straight down the double-barreled shotgun that is relegation, welcomed Champions League aspirants Bayer Leverkusen to the Snowmageddon on Sunday, and things started off as you’d expect.

Leverkusen jumped to a 2-0 lead thanks to a first half brace from Kevin Volland. The second was quite nice, and it’ll help you to understand the weather conditions that we’ll be addressing shortly. 

Manchester United completed a stunning comeback to defeat Paris Saint-Germain 3-1 on Wednesday in Paris, turning around a dour first-leg defeat to advance on away goals, 3-3 on aggregate. It was an unforgettable match that came down to the final minute. But there was an forgettable hero: Fred. 

PSG shot itself in the foot multiple times but nearly pulled through until VAR was called into play, giving Manchester United a penalty kick in stoppage time. 

It’s March, but you wouldn’t know it throughout much of the country.

As climate change wreaks havoc on what we consider normal weather, temperatures have varied widely around the U.S. On opening day in MLS, Orlando City hosted NYCFC with highs reaching into the upper 80s.  In Colorado, the Rapids hosted Portland in temps that dipped to 18 degrees, a record low for an MLS match.

It would be hard to argue that Bob Bradley isn’t the most accomplished American soccer coach. He was the first American to coach a Premier League team, he coached the Egyptian national team and he led the USMNT to first place in its group at the 2010 World Cup. 

But he should probably stop talking about this nonsense comparing Carlos Vela to Lionel Messi.

LAFC began the 2019 MLS season with a 2-1 come-from-behind win over Sporting KC on Sunday night. The match came on the heels of the LA club releasing its “We Are LAFC” documentary on ESPN+. 

Lionel Messi registered his 50th professional hat trick Saturday, which led to another Twitter frenzy.

Messi now trails just Cristiano Ronaldo with regards to career hat tricks — Ronaldo has 51 three-score outings. The two are compared and argued over more than we’d like to admit. However, the GOAT discussion has officially ended.

Both players have received praise from about everyone in the world, but Messi has officially one-upped his rival with this unmatchable praise:

Did you know there’s a 33-year-old American playing goalkeeper in the 2. Bundesliga? I did not, but I’m starting to connect the dots. That man is Kenneth Kronholm, born in Fort Belvoir, Virginia, and he’s a certified mad lad.

Last Wednesday, Real Madrid’s Marco Asensio scored one of the most important goals of his career, earning his side a vital 2-1 away win over Ajax in the Champions League Round of 16. 

Despite impressing intermittently over the course of his three-year stay at Real, the 23-year-old has struggled for consistency this campaign — much like the rest of his teammates. 

But the victory over Ajax was a massive moment for both club and individual as Asensio’s strike made a NINTH STRAIGHT APPEARANCE in the UCL quarterfinals look very attainable for Real.  

PSG star Kylian Mbappe is already way ahead of his time. The 20-year-old sensation has a Ligue 1 leading 19 goals in 18 appearances, a World Cup title and, to cap it all off, he has officially scored his 100th goal in practice.

What a legend.

19 goals in 18 league games for @KMbappe

Teen boys can be juvenile, crude, lewd, rude — and hilarious.

Case in point: an FA Trophy match (basically a lesser version of the FA Cup) on Tuesday between National League side AFC Fylde and Northern Premier League club Ramsbottom United (no, that’s not the joke). 

During the match, the public address announcer was conned into reading a lascivious statement over the PA.