Humor

Tuesday marked the beginning of a new era, with Twitter doubling the character count for most Western-language users. (Japanese, Korean and Chinese users will stay at 140 because their languages convey more per character.) There were countless bad jokes across the globe as everyone felt compelled to tweet about the fact they had something that everyone else had. 

(mandatory musical accompaniment to this post)

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get down to that soccer field in the silliest way imaginable. You must draw as much attention to yourself as possible. Be noticed by everyone. Make sure you do not do anything that a normal human would do. Do what a bored teenager would do in this situation. Avant garde stadium entering.

Good luck.

Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. These are two pieces of generally-accepted wisdom that in most situations can improve peoples' lives. 

However, these two pieces of wisdom are not always adhered to because I WANT THAT THING AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

Usually, upon reflection, a person who ignores the wisdom of waiting in order to TRY AND GET A THING RIGHT NOW is proved to have been foolish, and that person wishes they had been patient. This goalkeeper in the Qatari League Cup is one of those people.

Soccer is the beautiful game and the most popular sport in the world. We know you like it because you’re reading about it right now. But there’s one thing missing from soccer that is ever present in most team sports: a clock counting down to the end of a match. 

Surely you have already heard about Jozy Altidore and Sacha Kljestan's, uh, "incident" Sunday in the MLS Cup playoffs, in which both players were sent off at halftime for fighting in the tunnel, but DID YOU SEE THE TWEET?

What would you do if you were this forward? Would you quit soccer forever, knowing you would never do anything as cool as this? Would you call FIFA and demand a FIFA #TheBest Award for what you just did? Would you run back to the two defenders you just roasted and give them a look like "yeah you know what time it is"? Would you be a good sport? A bad sport? Would you freak out? Would you remain as stoic as a statue?

I would do all of those things.

Look, we all have those days. Those days when nothing goes right. Those days when our heads, for whatever reasons, are just not in it. They are elsewhere, in the clouds perhaps. Mainz goalkeeper Robin Zentner had one of those days Saturday when he went to kick the ball and found that OH NO THE BALL IS NOT THERE.

Somehow, via some kind of witchcraft and/or sorcery, Borussia Monchengladbach did not score on this play, so Zentner was (sort of) vindicated.

Bur goodness, y'all.

We all know someone like this: the person who gets the Christmas decorations out the day after Halloween, as if Thanksgiving (A FAR SUPERIOR HOLIDAY TO CHRISTMAS, DON'T @ ME) doesn't even exist.