Humor

With rabid Liverpool fans having allegedly crashed a flight-tracking website while investigating Virgil van Dijk's whereabouts, it has become clear that technology cannot be trusted at this moment. We must know where Virgil van Dijk is and what he is doing, and if technology proves unreliable to our cause then said technology must be binned. As such, I have taken to staring up at the sky in search of transfer news, and that has led me to a stunning revelation.

Watching a Champions League match can be exhilarating, but you know what is also exhilarating? Having fresh breath!

One Hoffenheim fan at the club's Champions League qualifier in Liverpool last week decided he couldn't have just one or the other. He needed Champions League football and fresh breath.

David Beckham’s infamous red card in the Round of 16 at the 1998 World Cup was a defining moment in the flamboyant midfielder’s career. Some robots are hoping for a similar trajectory.

Beckham, then a gorgeous 23-year-old yet to settle down with Mrs. Posh Spice, was knocked to the ground by a heavy challenge from Diego Simeone in the second half of a 2-2 match. From his stomach, Beckham petulantly flung out a leg at Simeone. He was duly sent off and cost England a spot in the quarterfinals as La Albiceleste won as everyone does against England: on penalties.

Ah yes, Nottingham Forest's famed City Ground, where folks clad in red gather to cheer on their plucky lads in England's Championship division. Truly, this is where the soul of football lives, away from the glitz and glamour, the flashy cars and inflated transfer fees, the private jets and inflated egos. Here, it's about one thing: the fans. Here, folks know it's the fans who make football truly special, which is why—PIE FIGHT! PIE FIGHT!

Arsene Wenger has a process, a recipe if you will, for how he wants things done. In an effort to reach his young charges, the venerable, white-haired Professor has created a training simulation using virtual reality to turn raw ingredients into mouthwatering fare. 

Here’s a taste of what he’s cooked up: 

It’s a bit frightening, but that’s the point. Arsenal players must toughen up, with a crispy outer layer of seasoning and experience. 

Simon Mignolet is a solid guy. The 29-year-old Belgian shot-stopper isn’t renowned for his incredible reflexes, an impeccable command of his area or world-class distribution, but he’s pretty dependable. “He is solid, he is like a machine. You can always rely on him,” says Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp.

Arsenal's 4-0 defeat at the hands of Liverpool Sunday has had Arsenal fans' heads spinning around like they've been possessed by demons. And those demons want Arsene Wenger to be fired.