Humor

Benfica, we get it. Soccer is hard. Sometimes, you can’t rely on player skill, tactics and good old fashion work ethic. 

So if these allegations are true, don’t be embarrassed that your rival Porto has outed you for using a witch to win the Portuguese Primeira Liga. Sometimes, you need a little help from beyond.

Witches, especially in America and the UK, get a bad rap. 

Claudio Bravo’s heroics in net for Chile yesterday made for can’t-miss television as the reigning South American champions dumped out Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal in the Confederations Cup semifinals. The gravitational pull of international soccer was at the height of its attraction as evidenced by this operating room taking the time to watch the shootout.

In recent years, the top division in China has slowly become a new locus of appealing, high-octane soccer. Some of this has to do with the big name stars the league has drawn in like Carlos Tevez, Alexandre Pato, Ricardo Carvahlo and a host of others. 

However, in the past couple weeks, it seems a different pattern is getting all the attention — the bizarre displays of violence and aggression that have unfolded on the field. 

I recently wrote about my newfound love for Mexico’s Liga MX and how MLS could be so much better if it took some ideas from its neighbor to the south. One of the key differences is that Mexico uses a system of promotion and relegation, albeit a somewhat complicated one, while the United States still refuses to do so. 

Does Cristiano Ronaldo exist? Scientists have pondered this question for millennia. French philosopher Rene Descartes provided perhaps the most widely-believed theory when he posited that "I think, therefore I am." This, in essence theorizes that one can only know that one's self is real, therefore it is impossible to prove whether Cristiano Ronaldo exists. 

Nika, a polar bear at a Russian zoo, has drawn comparisons to Paul the octopus, the German octopus that predicted Germany's matches at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, by predicting the winners of matches at the Confederations Cup. I feel very comfortable saying this is the first time a polar bear has ever drawn comparisons to an octopus. Here's a video about how Nika goes about doing football punditry: